Well....

I'm going back to the mental hospital tonight. Bye for now

I want

Me

New Hair

My hair

I've decided how I want to dye my hair this next time. First I'll need black hair dye, some hair bleach, and a bunch of tiny hair bands. I'm first gonna dye all of my hair black again. Then after it's washed, dried, and straightened, I'm gonna take the hair bands and make a million tiny braids all over the front and top of my head. Then once that's done, I'm gonna take the hair bleach and randomly bleach about half of the braids. I'm hoping that once all that is done, my hair is washed, and the braids are taken out, that my hair will look really awesome.

~AngelCutter

I drove

I drove for the first time yesterday. Yay! Well, I didn't really drive, I just backed up a truck about 15 feet. But it still counts as driving in my book and is probably considered illegal if a cop were to catch me 'cause I don't have my learners permit yet. I don't care though, it's not the first time I've broken the law and probably wont be the last. Hehe, I'm a bad girl.

~AngelCutter

Court

Last Wednesday I had to go to court because they decided to add a few things to my bond conditions after I was put in the hospital again last Sunday for taking a bunch of pills. They added that I must not attempt to kill myself and that I must not have any self harmful behaviors. The public defender, aka the guy that's supposed to be on my side, made a direct threat to me that if I do anything that is self harmful, they will lock me up in Vicky Douglass. Vicky Douglass is a juvenile detention center. They say that they're just doing this to keep me safe but I think that this is a bunch of bull shit. They're taking away my rights and getting away with it too because I'm underage. I'm so pissed. This isn't fair. They don't understand that I'm addicted to cutting, I cant just stop at once. And frankly, I don't plan to stop. They can just lock me up one of these days. I don't give a shit anymore.

~AngelCutter

The last letter

Gather up your last goodbyes 
'Cause now it's my time to die

After I jab this pencil
Into my scarred up wrist
Take one last look at me
Then lay my body to rest

They tried so hard to help me
In so many ways
But still I was lonely
And I cried for days

In the end, nothing really matters
So just gather up some dead flowers
And lay them upon my grave

This world hurt me so bad 
You'd be amazed I lasted this long
Considering I was driven mad

Now this'll be the last letter I'll send
'Cause tomorrow will be far too late
Tomorrow will be the end. 

~AngelCutter

Update

Well They moved my court date from August to tomorrow. Apparently self harm an attempting to kill myself is a violation of my probation. Sunday night I made a mistake of showing my dad my arms and all the cuts on them. He started yelling at me and I felt like I just couldn't take his bull shit anymore so I took two handfuls of pills and them made another mistake of telling my boyfriend that I took the pills. He then called 911 and an ambulance came and I was rushed to the hospital were they kept me over night in the ICU and pumped me full of fluids. Now because of that, there's a chance that I might be put in juvi which will really suck.

~AngelCutter

Welcome to the dark side

Me and Eric

Probation rules that I must follow

• Commit no crimes
• Reside in the home of parent/guardian and obey all household rules
• Not spend the night at anyone's home unless it is an immediate family member, and you muct get prior approval from probation officer
• Take all medicine as prescribed by your doctor
• Remain under adult supervision 24 hours per day
• Maintain a daily curfew of 7:00pm
• Not leave the state of West Virginia without a parent.
• Have no contact with felons or probationers.
• Not use or possess a pager or cell phone.
• Not use or possess drugs, tobacco, alcohol, synthetic marijuana, bath salts, or chemically simular substances. 
• Not use or possess any deadly weapon, taser, mace, or similar device.
• Submit to random drug and alcohol testing
• Report as directed to the probation officer
• Report any contact with law enforcement within 24 hours
• Submit to random visits by the probation officer
• Submit to random searches by the probation officer of home and person
• Appear at all court hearings, probation visits, and evaluations.
• Attend school with no unexcused absences/tardiness
• Obey all school rules and maintain appropriate academic effort
• The Juvenile shall obtain prior permission from the Probation Officer to amend any of these conditions
• The violation of any of the preceding conditions may result in forfeiture of any bond and will permit the probation officer or any law enforcement officer to take the Juvenile to a detention center.

Me

darkness

This moment, so precious

Peace and love 
Is all that I can feel
From my head to my toes
As I lay there next to you 
We're snuggled so close 
And so warm
It's as if we are 
In our own little heaven

A soft morning sun 
Seeps through the curtains
Spilling itself throughout the room 
The sounds of birds chirping 
Outside the window 
And your slow, deep breaths
Come together 
In a beautiful harmony

In this moment, so precious
It's just you and me 
I treasure the way 
Your arms are wrapped around me
Loving, strong, and protective
Even as you sleep 
They always reassure me
That I'm safe and sound 
When we are together

~AngelCutter

Me and Eric

...

One day

One day I am gonna run again
And I'll get away
No body will be able to catch me
Because once they find out
That I was missing
I will already be dead

~AngelCutter

4-20-2012

I stand there in silence. Emotionless as a statue. Standing in the corner of the room. Numb. Watching everything unfold in front of me. It's a small, regular hospital room with a bunch of machines that have kept you alive for so long. But now they're turned off. The light is dimmed just enough to attempt to create the allusion that you're just sleeping. The nurse stands by the door awkwardly, not knowing what to do. She had just delivered the horrific news. And I despise her. Her and all the others at the hospital. They're to blame for what has happened to you. I bow my head and squeeze my eyes shut as I feel a knot form in my throat. I cant handle hearing my sister and father cry as they stand by your sides, holding both of your cold hands. I put my hands over my ears, trying to block out the world around me. But it's not use. The numbness fades and the pain hits me so hard, it makes me step  back and I fall into a chair behind me. It feels as if someone had just ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground, and started stomping on it. I spent a good hour or so crying my eyes out as the pain of losing you comes at me full force. Then as if I was hit again, the tears suddenly stopped and I was numb again. And I remained numb for months after that. 

RIP mommy 

~AngelCutter

Don't

Beutiful

Mothers Day

Today is a holiday
It is mothers day
Another Sunday morning
As I prepare to leave
I'm going to a church
But not the one of my faith
No, today I will visit again
The one where my mother lays
There's no need to dress
In my Sunday best
It'll just get dirty
When I kneel in the grass
Dad Took me to a church
On a road I don't know
With a shovel in hand
We planted some flowers
On my mothers grave

~AngelCutter

Monday 4-29-2013

My day started off just fine. My dad woke me up early to go to my weekly therapy appointment which went well. I kinda like my therapist this time unlike when I had therapy as a child and always resented my therapists. My therapist now is a nice lady who I can tell tries to understand me somewhat. After the appointment, dad and I went back home for a few hours and I just hung out in my room, doing things on the internet and listened to my music.At 1:00pm we had an appointment at school and that's where things started going down hill fast. Instead of being put in alternative school I'm being put on home-bound where my teacher comes to my house a few times a week to give me my work. But that's not really what was the problem. The problem is that I'm still pissed at some people that were in the meeting and just pissed at the whole school and their fucking system. But I wont have to deal with that school anymore 'cause I was kicked out of Jefferson and I will be going to Washington High next school year. When they told me that I'd be going to Washington, that also pissed me off more 'cause I hate that school just as much as Jefferson. Any-who, after the meeting, dad and I said goodbye and went back to the truck to go home By then I was really about to freak out so I took my "as needed" medicine that I'm supposed to take when I feel like freaking out like that. I ended up bursting out in tears a minute after and I cried the whole way from the school to the gas station. When dad got out to pump gas, I forced myself to stop crying and I got out of the truck. I hugged my dad and said goodbye then started walking towards the road where I planned to step out in front of a car to kill myself. But he grabbed me and held me back. Then for like half an hour we struggled with me trying to get away and him trying to hold me back. Then some guys from the grocery store came out and asked if there was a problem. They probably thought that he was trying to kidnap me or something. So my dad turned to try and explain to them what was going on and that's when I took off running. I darted behind some bushes and a building and leaned against the building, trying to think of where to go next. That's when a young couple pulled up in a small blue car and asked if I was okay. I shook my head no and the lady waved for me to come over. I asked if they could give me a ride and she said sure. I got into the car and ducked my head down so nobody could see me. She asked where I wanted to go and I said to just take me any where but here. She said that its probably best to take me to the police station, I said okay. She asked what was going on and asked if I was being kidnapped. In between more tears I told her that I wasn't being kidnapped, that it was just my dad. She asked what was going on again and I told her that it was a long story knowing that if I told her that I was gonna kill myself, she might turn the car around and take me back to my dad. Once we got to the police station I looked up and said that this wasn't a good idea. I asked her to keep going straight then take a right and let me off in the parking lot of some miny-mart. She did and I thanked her a few times and took off running again down the street towards who knows where. I spent about a good 20 minutes walking and wondering around some upper-class neighborhood. I tried to hitch hike another ride with some grandma but she wouldn't give me a ride. After that I got back onto the main road and started walking back into town, feeling my medicine kicking in and not knowing where the hell to go. I stopped at a post office and sat on the bench outside of it and just buried my face into my hands confused, dizzy, and lost. A few minutes latter I thought I heard someone say something so I looked up and saw a police car coming and I heard it slam on the breaks. I jumped up and took off running as fast as I ever have. The cop quickly put the car in reverse and stopped about ten feet in front of me. He then pointed at me and told me to come here but I shook my head then took a quick left, running across the street without looking and into the parking lot of the miny-mart mentioned earlier. As I was running I heard a car burn rubber behind me, it probably was the cops and another dude that I ran past laughed and said that they got me now. I looked at him while I was running and replied that they didn't have me yet. As I ran into the miny-mart, I heard the police slam on their breaks a few feet behind me and I said oh crap and started running even faster.I darted through the store and said 'excuse me' as I ran past a few people with shocked expressions on their faces. Once I got to the back of the store I stopped to look back and saw some lady pointing to me as the cop came into the store. I took off running to the left side of the store and I heard the cop call out "Sam stop!" multiple times. But I didn't listen I just kept running and I circled back to the front of the store in an attempt to get back outside but I was cornered between the cop and some other lady that was chasing me too. I stopped for one second to look around to see if there was a way out and that was just enough time for the cop to catch me. He tackled me and pressed me against the ground with his knee in my back and I kept struggling and trying to get away but it was no use. I gave up and just let him arrest me without a struggle 'cause I knew at that point that there was no use in trying to get away anymore. He put handcuffs on me and ordered me to get up. I obeyed and got up and he led me out of the store while keeping a tight grip on my arm, probably expecting me to try and run again. He brought me out to the police car and opened the back door but then stopped and asked me if I had my knife on me. I asked him "which one?" He then asked "where is it?" and I said that I didn't have it on me today since I went to a school meeting. He asked "Since when does that stop you? Now where is it?" I told him again that I didn't have it on me. He took off my gloves and rings and did a small search of my pockets and my shoes and told his partner that I'm known to have razors and knifes on me. He got distracted with something for one second and I was able to slip my left hand out of the handcuffs. His partner tried to warn him that I was trying to escape but I was quicker. As soon as I got my hand free and started turning around, he quickly grabbed me and slammed me hard against the police car. I hit the car with a big thud and said "god damn" He re-handcuffed me tighter this time and put me in the back of the police car. He buckled me in and then him and his partner got into the front. On the way to the police station, I got a long lecture about running away and trying to escape out of handcuffs. He also said that he was gonna press charges on me for running and shit. When we got to the police station, he lectured me again and I got the handcuffs around so that they were in front of me instead of behind and the cop had me searched by another female cop. After a while of being lectures, being threatened with him pressing charges against me, and just sitting there, my dad showed up. The cop took me out to him and after another long lecture and many warnings about if I run again I'll be arrested again and I'll regret it big time, he finally took the handcuffs off of me and let me go.

~AngelCutter

satan

No makeup

Untitled

They smile at her
They think nothings wrong
But they call her a freak
Just because she's different

She sits alone
In the lunchroom again
So quiet and still
To scared to eat
And she just cant stand
Her never ending thoughts
Of wanting to be dead

Eye liner runs again
In streaks down her face
Gotta wear long sleeves
To hide her arms
Cant let anyone
See the scars

Cutters lullaby

Go to sleep and close your eyes
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wing against a thorn
You know the pain they have borne
Silver metal shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of the blood trickling down
And wake up just before you drown
The moonlight shining off your tears
As you bleed out your own worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutters lullaby

I want

Hmmm...

I'm wondering what I'd look like with red hair. Maybe have it red underneath and black on top. That would be cool.

I want

Love my monster

Scars

My future

Truth...

Emo Angel

Anti-Christ

Juvi

Yup, most likely I'll be going to juvi tomorrow or wednesday.
I'm probably gonna be charged with 4 things:
1- Fleeing
2- Resisting arrest
3- Not obeying a police officer
4- Attempt to escape custody

Destroyeed

NO
NOT ANOTHER DAY
I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE
I'M BEING SUFFOCATED
I'M BEING RIPPED APART
I'M BEING DESTROYED 

~AngelCutter

Cutting...

Not a lot of people can understand why I cut. Sometimes I don't even understand why. I just do it for the blood. I do it for the pain. I do it for the scars, the constant reminder of the pain that I've gone through. No matter what other people tell me, I will never stop. Yet they keep trying to help me. Don't they know that some people just cant be helped?

~AngelCutter

Zombie girl (old pic)

Rock on

Hospitalized yet again

Well I was sent back to the mental hospital again for a whole month this time. They almost put me into a long-term residential hospital place 'cause I wasn't getting better this time and the fact that it was my third time going there. But my dad told them that he wasn't gonna let them lock me up in no long-term place. It almost got to the point where DHHR was gonna go to the courts to take custody over me and force me to go to this residential place. But they didn't thankfully. When I found out that DHHR was trying to take me away I stopped acting out and whatnot and pretended that I was doing better to get out of there. And as long as they think that I'm doing better, they have no reason to take me away.

The reason why they put me into the hospital this time is because I freaked out majorly at school. I was in the guidance office and crying my eyes out so bad and freaking out. I was banging my head off the wall, punching things, and screaming at the counselors. They kept trying to talk to me and calm me down but it felt like the more they tried to talk to me, the more they were pushing me. I told them that I needed just a little bit of time alone but they wouldn't let me be alone no matter what. So eventually I just cracked. I took out my razor and sliced up my arm right in front of them and they freaked out. One of them wrestled the razor out of my grip then said something about calling 911 on me again. I was pissed. As soon as I got a chance I got up and ran out of the school and down the street. They ended up putting the school in a lock down, probably afraid that I was gonna hurt someone else. After about 5 minutes of running down the street, the assistant principle and one of the counselors pulled up next to me in a car. The assistant principle got out and then was following me about 10 feet behind. I told him that he better stay the fuck away from me and kept walking. He promised that he would and that he was just gonna walk with me. By this time blood was just pouring out of my arm and dripping onto the street. A minute or two later of walking and ignoring the assistant principle and counselor, I heard a few foot steps and before I could turn around, the assistant principle had me by the arms and threw me on the ground away from the street. I struggled and screamed for him to let me go but he had me pinned down. Pretty soon after that the cops and ambulance came and I tried to run again when they let me go. But then the police slammed me on the ground again and put my face in the mud while putting force onto a pressure point in my neck and held me like that until I was completely calm and handcuffed me. They then strapped me to a gurney and gave me a shot that was supposed to help me calm down. When we got to the ER they handcuffed me to the bed 'cause they knew that I was gonna try to run again as soon as I got the chance to. My dad came latter and they said that they were gonna send me back to the mental hospital but I kept freaking out and yanking on the handcuffs to try and get free so they decided to have me sedated. They gave me 3 more shots of sedation medicine and I was out like a light. Next thing I know, I woke up in a bed in the mental hospital, looked around and said 'damn it' then went right back to sleep. I ended up sleeping the whole next day away 'cause of how much they sedated me.

~AngelCutter

Goth girl

My new hair

To far gone

Your jumping in
And letting go
You're giving up all hope
Of staying afloat

Your muscles are weak
But you don't care anymore
You give in 
To the weight of the world
Then sink deeper and deeper
Until you just cant take 
The pressure no more

You're suffocating slowly
With your own hands
Wrapped around your neck

The longer you cant breathe
The more you panic
And  the more you panic
The tighter you squeeze 

Death stands above you
And whispers into your ear
As you take the pen
And write one last letter

Down one last bottle
That's all it would take
Slip into the shower
And wash your sins away
With that razor

Blood is thicker than water
But they both fill the tub 

Your vision blurs 
As you sink down
And drown in your own pain

Your father knocks on the door
But it's already to late
Your spirit is free 
And he just lost whats left
Of his little girl

No matter how hard they tried
Or how many drugs they gave her
Nobody could save her 
From herself

In the very beginning
She was already
To far gone

~AngelCutter

Quote

"I cant drown my demons...they know how to swim" ~Unknown

What it's supposed to be...

Eyes shine no more
The time has come 
To rest forever

Don't try to speak to me
'Cause I'm already dead

It started with a knife
Then some pills
And now I'm gone

The story just began 
But I put it to an end

Life just doesn't seem to be
What it's supposed to be...

A Wish

THE SMELL OF BLOOD
WILL CALM THE SOUL
THE TASTE OF DEATH
WILL FREE THE SPIRIT

WITH ONE SMALL WISH
OF A HEART IN PAIN
A LIFE WILL BE LOST
AND A STORY WILL END

~AngelCutter

Old picture

Hospitalized...again

Yeah I was put back in the mental hospital for about a week. Got out last Tuesday. They forced me to go because I was really depressed and I tried to kill myself by OD on some pills. But I'm mostly better now. I'm on depression meds that have been helping some. Trying to OD isn't any fun at all either. It gave me the worst trip of my life so far.When the pills started affecting me, I got extremely dizzy to the point where it was to hard to even sit up by myself. By this point I was already in the ER with an IV in my arm giving me some weird liquid I forget what they said it was. The pills did something weird to my eyes, it made the white part way too white, my pupils were all fucked up, and it hurt to keep them open. I also had the worst stomach pains and felt so sick but couldn't puke anything up. That gross feeling lasted for hours and was very uncomfortable. Taking the pills wasn't much fun either, I choked on about half of them and they tasted nasty. So the whole thing just wasn't any fun. After I took the pills I pretty much freaked out. I was shaking and I panicked when I started to feel them in me and I made the mistake of telling the nurse that I took them. She called 911 right away even though I begged her not to. When the ambulance and cops came, I got defensive and was refusing to go. They just pried my hands off the arms of the chair, picked me up, then strapped me down to the gurney so tight that I couldn't move an inch. Once I was in the ambulance, I eventually gave up on struggling 'cause I knew that I wouldn't be able to get away from them. I figured that I'd just sit and wait for the pills to kill me, but they never did. Part of me is glad that they didn't. But then a big part of me is disappointed that they didn't.

~AngelCutter

I'm done

I'm going fucking crazy. I just cant take the stress anymore. I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt anyone that I love. But I just cant do this anymore. I'm done with everything. I'm done with my fucking life.

Me and my Lesbian Lovers

Sina, Me, and Mara

We're not really lesbian lovers but we were joking around about that the other day when I was at their house. It was a fun time.

~AngelCutter

Day 18 (freedom)

Wednesday 2-6-2013

I can almost taste my freedom again. My dad is supposed to come at 12:30 to finally get me out of here. The first thing I'm doing is taking a hot shower when I get home. Then I'll celebrate with a nice cup of coffee and blast some heavy-metal music and relax in my room. Ugh, time just cannot go by fast enough right now. I've been wanting to go home so badly ever since I got put in the first hospital a few weeks ago.

. . . . . .

Just packed up my stuff to go home and I am so happy. Haven't been this happy in forever. Now I have to wait for the last few hours to go by. That's the worst part, the waiting.

. . . . . .

1:15 pm I'M FREE!!!!

~AngelCutter

Day 17

Tuesday 2-5-2013

There's a chance that I might be going home today or tomorrow and I guess you could say that I'm nervous and scared but also excited to finally get out of here. I know that my friends will probably be loading me with questions about where I've been and suck. Maybe my teachers will too if they don't already know. But I think that they do know 'cause my school had faxed over some of my homework the other day. I'm kinda scared to go back home though 'cause I'm not sure that I'll be 100% safe back home. Even with my dad making sure that I wont ever be home alone again. I'm thinking that I'll be more like 50% safe at the most. But I am excited because things will finally be close to normal again.At least I'll be back in my my own room with my own bed and I'll get that cup of coffee that I've been craving so much.

. . . . . . .

Well, I've found out from my doctor that I'll defiantly be leaving tomorrow. But I still don't know exactly what time yet. I also found out that I have been diagnosed with two disorders. The first one is called Acute Stress Disorder, which is similar to PTSD but not as bad. And the other one is Brief Psychotic Disorder. Right now I only know the basics of what those area all about so I plan to research them as soon as I get home so I know what exactly they think is wrong with me. Also, I plan to research my medicines too so I know what they're doing to me. I'm the type of person who believes that knowledge is power.

~AngelCutter

Day 16

Monday 2-4-2013

I cant believe how tired I was last night. I was dead asleep within minutes of laying my head down. But yesterday was a good day mostly. All except for the time when I was feeling crappy after I ate stuff. I'm not sure why but I'll go through these phases when I'll eat regular or less then normal and then I'll feel really guilty for eating for a few hours afterwords. But I'm okay now for the most part. I looked into the mirror this morning and thought that my body looked fine just the way it is. Any-who, yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday and they had a small party in the day room and ate chips and drank soda while watching the game. But I was only there for about the last 20 minutes of the part 'cause my dad came to visit me and when you have visitors, you're supposed to stay in your room with them. We talked for about the medicine that I'm taking, how I've been doing with treatments, and if I'm well enough to go back home yet. We also played some card games and he got me some new clothes, chocolate, and a new notebook to write in. The best part is the fact that we didn't fight at all. We usually argue or something but this time we didn't. It was a bit surprising but it was good.

. . . . . .

Today was good for the most part. I've been improving more and people have been noticing it too. My doctor and therapist both said so and so has another staff person. Though, my doctor raised to of my meds. One she raised because she thought I needed it and the other one was raised because I asked her to. I did find out that I'll be leaving this place in one or two days probably. That's what my therapist told me when we talked today. So that made me really happy. Also, my doctor put me on level one and that meant that I could go out to the barn with the others and play games for half an hour after dinner. It was really fun. It was kinda like going back to gym class in elementary school. I was also the one who scored the winning goal for my team. Then later during free time, me and another girl were doing a silly penguin dance just because we could. But once we took our evening meds, we ran out of energy and quickly became really tired from sleeping meds.

~AngelCutter

Day 15

Sunday 2-3-2013

Sorry, but I'm just way to tired to write tonight. This medicine they give me to help with my sleep is really working.

~AngelCutter

Day 14

Saturday 2-2-2013

I've officially been stuck in this place for two whole weeks now and today sucks so much more than yesterday for multiple reasons... I'm still here, my arm has been hurting me like crazy, and I had a nightmare during my afternoon nap. My arm has been killing me all day and I don't even know why. It  has these strange bruises that I really don't remember how I got them, all I know is that they suck. I normally don't get nightmares when I take naps during the day, but today I did. When one of the staff woke me up from the nightmare, I swear I nearly had a heart-attack. Then once he left, I just busted into tears 'cause I was so freaked out.

~AngelCutter

Day 13

Friday 2-1-2013

Today really sucks. It's February now and I'm still stuck in this mental institution. But on the bright side of things, my doctor did say something about how she thinks that I'm improving and that could possibly mean that I'm getting out of here once my medicine is regulated. My therapist and I called my dad yesterday and after arguing with him for about 20 minutes, I was finally able to get him to agree to letting the doctor put me on the other medicine that she wanted to. I'm not 100% sure exactly which med is for what, it's confusing, but at least they are working.

~AngelCutter

The typical day at the hospital:

• Get woken up so they can check your vitals
• Go back to sleep
• Get woken up to take your morning meds/vitamins
• Fight to stay awake
• Make your bed
• Breakfast time
• Go back to your room for a 30 min quiet time
• Go to the Day Room for group
• Read the rules out loud
• Take turns saying who you are and why your here
• Discuss the theme of the day
• Do paperwork
• Snack time
• Goals group
• Group therapy
• Lunch time
• 30 min quiet time
• Group time/more paperwork
• Free time
• Group therapy or hobby skills
• 60 min quiet time
• Go back to Day Room for group again
• Read the rules out loud again
• Goals group again
• Dinner time
• 30 min quiet time
• Shower time
• Free time/visiting time
• High's and Low's group
• Bed time

Day 12

Thursday 1-31-2013

One day goes by, then another day goes by, and another, and another. I've been going through all the treatments, the paperwork, the meds, and the therapy. And yes, this place has helped me a lot so far, but at the same time it is suffocating me.Everyday it's the same damn thing over and over. New patients are always arriving and old ones are always leaving...except for me. Right now it honestly feels like I'm gonna be stuck in here forever. But I know that I wont be. It just feels like it already has been forever 'cause the days drag on so long at this place. I guess that you could even say that I'm feeling a little home-sick for once. I just want to go home and relax a little bit with some coffee and my music. Maybe even talk with my dad a little bit. I will go home one day hopefully soon. They can't keep me here forever...I hope.

~AngelCutter

Day 11

Wednesday 1-30-2013

People here just keep getting crazier and crazier. There was some girl yesterday who climbed up on a sink and broke a light bulb. Then she was walking around with the glass in her pocket. I'm not sure all of what she was planning to do with it but I could tell that some of the staff were on edge 'cause of it. Also, it made me kinda worried too. She seems  like the type of person who would go crazy and start shanking everyone in her path just for the hell of it. But everything should be okay 'cause the staff did a strip search of her and took away all the glass.

. . . . . .

Everyday there's new problems and more meds. My doctor decided that it'd be a good idea to give me another dose of medicine each morning on top of my nightly dose. The morning dose is to make up for what wears off as I sleep basically. When the doctor and I were talking, we both did agree that the meds have helped out a bunch so far. My doctor also wants to put me on another medicine also. But apparently when she called me dad, he didn't agree and I haven't been put on it yet. So now I'm gonna have to talk with him again and convince him to let the doctor do what she thinks is right for me. And yes, I do want to go on that medicine. I want to get better and if it takes 20 different meds for me to get better, then so be it.

~AngelCutter

Day 10

Tuesday 1-29-2013

I was looking in the mirror while washing my hands after breakfast this morning and I just started imagining what I would want to look like in a few years. More specifically  the summer after I graduate high school  It was a very detailed look also.I had pin-straight volumized hair with emo-style layers and side-swept bangs. It was parted on the far right side of my head and covered just about half of my face. It was its natural color still but a few inches of the ends were a mixture of green and silver and the length came a little past my shoulders. My makeup was in perfect cat-eyes with black and silver eye shadow that faded together perfectly and paired with reddish-brown lips that matched my nail polish. I also had lots of piercings all over my body mixed with a few tattoo's. I had a tight black tank top on that was cut off just below my ribs matched with black leather shorts that had skulls on the back pockets and a studded belt. Also, I had on some black fishnet leggings and some biker boots that came up to my knees and were extremely comfy. Then I had a black dog collar with spikes, some chains, a pair of finger-less gloves, and all my cool rings. While I was imagining myself in this cool outfit and awesome hair, I also imagined weighing like 20 or more pounds less than I do now. I'm not so comfortable with my body at the moment. Since I've been in this hospital and have stopped starving myself, I've gained a little weight. Its not as much as I weighed before I started starving myself, but it's enough to make me hate how I look.

~AngelCutter

Day 9

Monday 1-28-2013

I really fucking hate this place right now. I cant take it anymore. I cant take any of the people anymore. I just cant. Fuck everything, I'm done.

~AngelCutter

Day 8

Sunday 1-27-2013

How can you tell what any girl is thinking? What about the girl standing right in front of you? When her eyes glaze over like that, can you tell what she is thinking? Can you tell that she has just given up on life? She tells you that she's just tired from lack of sleep. But really, she's tired of living. What about the girl sitting in the corner? She's purposely excluding herself from the rest. You might think that she just wants her space or wants to be alone for now, when really she's silently begging for someone to talk to. What about the girl who's always putting on that fake smile? Can you tell that its fake or do you just brush it off and assume that its genuine? Would you ever dare to look into her eyes? And if you do, could you tell that she's scared? Can you really see her? Do you know that you are the one who is causing her fear? You put her on these drugs that have this power over her mind that she really has no control over. But she can feel them in her every minute of the day. And that..scares the life out of her.

. . . . . .

Today I really just can't wake up. It took me forever to fall asleep last night and I couldn't stay asleep for anything. And now I feel like crap. I just want to curl up into a ball and die somewhere. I want to fall into a deep sleep with a never-ending darkness.

~AngelCutter

Day 7

Saturday 1-26-2013

Well, it's official, I've been trapped in this place for one whole week now. Today I wrote a letter to my friend Mara telling her what this place is like, me being on meds now, and some other stuff. Then I gave the letter to my dad when he came to visit me today to give to her when he gets the chance. My dad stayed for like an hour right after I got out of the shower. We played cards and told stories. I told him about stuff that's been happening around here and he told me stuff about his work and plowing snow. He also brought me a few things like some lotion, a new pillow, my blanket, and some extra clothes. I'm mostly happy about the fact that we didn't fight like we did the last time that he was here. He got to see me take my meds tho and he kinda teased me about it. Also, he mentioned that I'm more calm than I normally am and I guess that's a good thing. It means that the medicine is actually doing what its supposed to do. Another thing that happened today was that I was told I had to switch rooms. I just had to move to one a little bit further down the hall. It's no different than the last one I was in, just in a different spot. The doctors wanted me to move for whatever reason that I really don't care about. Though I do sometimes get confused when I'm going back to my room and it's on the opposite side of the hall than what I'm used to.

~AngelCutter

Day 6

Friday 1-25-2013

Well...its official. They've finally put me on medicine last night. I was given a dose of some weird med called Risperdal. I honestly don't think it's gonna do anything to help me either. It's a very small pill and I cant feel anything from it when it's supposed to be working. All it seems to do is make me a little sleepy. But as I found out tonight, the doctor will be raising my dose to see if that makes me mental stability any better. I hate this, I really do. I feel as if I'm just some test subject to them that they have to keep monitoring every fucking day. They check my vitals every morning, they hand me my medicine and my vitamins in a cup and watch me closely to make sure that I've taken them. They tell me what to do and where to go, they fill my mind with stuff they think will "help" me, they fill out these papers on how I acted throughout the day or what my behavior was, and I'm constantly being watched by them.I swear, I'm nothing more to them but a fucking test subject. I know they say that they care and crap, but deep inside them, I'll bet that they don't give two shits about me. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but think about it... this is a mental hospital and I'm just one out of a thousand or so patients that they'll see in a year. So just as long as I get "better" and behave for them, I highly doubt that they care at all.

. . . . . .

There can't be anything worse than starting your period at this place,  It's just not fair. I mean, its not even time for me to have it, I've already had one this month and I already knew that I wasn't pregnant so I really don't have a need for another one. But no, mother nature decided to curse me with one last night and I cursed her out in return. Other than that happening, today really hasn't been that bad for me. Not like other days have been when I was really depressed and absolutely hated this place. Now it doesn't seem so bad. It sucks that I'm here, but it doesn't feel like I'm gonna die from being trapped in here so ling like I used to feel. I guess it seems like day-to-day life now, but with the knowledge that it wont last forever thankfully. I'm sure that I'd probably be crying everyday if I knew that I was gonna be here forever. I'm not kidding either. I'd probably fall into a deep depression and just go fucking insane. There is one good thing about being stuck in this place though, I'm able to eat healthier. I eat my vegetables like a good girl now.

. . . . . .

I am seriously freaking out right now. I'm tired, I'm pissed off, and I have a horrible headache. I'm tired because It's been a long day and I've been up since 06:30 this morning. I have a headache because I didn't feel like putting my glasses back on after my shower. And I'm pissed off because of this fucking pervert kid keeps pissing me off and I cant do anything about it because 1- I'm still in this mental institution and 2- he's only like half my size. I'm afraid that if I were to bitch slap him like I'd like too, he'd be hurt a lot more than he deserved. But I just can not stand this kid anymore. Yesterday while I was sitting at a table playing cards with a few other kids, he was sitting behind me on the floor with his face inches away from my ass. Then after I moved to a different chair, he followed me and when I turned around, he was reaching for my ass. I seriously almost back'handed him across the face right then. He is so lucky that I didn't. Then today, just minutes ago, he announced that he took all the girls underwear and slept with the underwear last night. Then he looked me in the eyes and told me that he took mine first and he also took my bra. I didn't want to believe him but then he described what everyone's underwear (and my bra) looked like and I'm still pissed about that. But right now I'm just gonna go to sleep and try not to think about this. I'm to tired for this crap.

~AngelCutter

Day 5

Thursday 1-24-2013

Its finally Thursday but I am still stuck in this institution and I still have no idea when I'm getting out of here. My therapist told me that she wants to talk with me in a few minutes about something and that has me a bit worried. I think I have somewhat of an idea what it is but I'm not sure. And its that "not sure" part that is making me worried. Ugh, I'm just stressing about everything right now. Whenever I have any down time or any time at all to think, I immediately think about something upsetting or stressful and I get depressed again. Or should I say, more depressed. But if I keep my mind constantly busy like when I taught some kids how to play blackjack earlier, I'm just fine. And then times like now when we have quiet time and my mind has space to think, I get upset. This is why I need my music, it helps me block out all this..this sadness. And if my music isn't working, it just means that I need to turn the volume up. But if that still doesn't work...I'm screwed.

~AngelCutter

Day 4

Wednesday 1-23-2013

Well, because of my mental breakdown yesterday, they (the doctor and other staff) put me on level 2/C3. Which isn't C3, I'm not in any trouble 'cause I didn't do anything wrong. But it means that if I do act up in any way, they will just automatically put me on C3 with no questions asked or second guessing. And that, if you haven't guessed by now, really sucks. It just means that they'll be watching me closer and waiting for me to screw up or get pissed off so they can stuff me into C3. At least that's what it feels like. But on the bright side of things, since I've talked to my doctor a few times and have proven that I'm behaving good enough for them, I've been taken off of boundary rules. So now I no longer have that held against me anymore and I can eat with everyone else again instead of being isolated in my room during every meal.

. . . . .

Today during quiet time, just out of nowhere, I just reached down into my shirt and dug into my skin with my finger nail until blood was pouring out. I did the same thing yesterday on my left cheek and again the day before on the other side of my face back towards my ear. The scratches aren't so big though. Like, if you didn't know that it was self-inflicted, you'd assume that they were just zits or something probably. I guess the real reason why I'm doing this is is just out of boredom or something. It could also be because I don't have a razor with me now to slit my wrists to get the blood that I crave, so I have to use my nails. It doesn't bleed to much, just enough so I can play with the blood. It's no big deal to me, it's just something that I do. But I know that my friends back home wouldn't agree. They don't ever like it when I do stuff like this, but I guess that it's a good thing that they don't like it. It shows that they care about me but I wish that they didn't care so much sometimes 'cause if I did do something bad one day and I was dead, it would hurt them. And the last thing I want to do is something that hurts the ones who care.

. . . . . .

This morning I was woke up by some really loud banging noise that I honestly thought were gunshots. I'm not sure what I was dreaming of that made me thing that it was gunshots. But I was freaking out so bad for a few seconds and I was ready to go into full military duck-and-cover/flight mode and get the hell outta there as soon as I heard the orders. Then after a little bit, I looked around and realized that I wasn't in any combat situation, I was still in the mental institution, that probably wasn't gunshots that I heard, and that I was too tired to care at all about what that noise was. So I just turned over and went back to sleep. Later, I was sitting at a table with everyone else during free time and I got the whole story from the dude who made the noise this morning. Apparently this dude was really freaking out and he picked up the chair that probably weighs like 40 pounds and threw it out of his room. Then he tried to barricade his door  with his bed, which is a lot heavier. But staff were able to get in and he was sedated and put into a quiet room. I know that saying that probably makes him seem like a psycho for freaking out so bad, but he's really not that bad. He's cool once you get to know him and he taught me how to do some awesome card tricks too. But there is one trick that he taught me that I can do perfectly, but it annoys me because I cant figure out how it works.

~AngelCutter

Day 3

Tuesday 1-22-2013

Tuesday morning. I should be putting on my uniform at this time and making it perfect so I can pass inspection later during my ROTC class.Instead I am being woken up by doctors checking my vitals and forced to chew up these nasty vitamins every morning. Then we have to sit and wait until our next orders. And if we try to object to any of it, we get sent straight to "C3" which is like a small behavioral adjustment room. I'm not sure what they do to the kids that are put in there, but from what I've herd, its really sucks.

. . . . . . .

Last night I was put on boundary rules with some other girl and I don't even know her. And I was never told why until today when I asked again and apparently my doctor decided that it would've been best to put me on a boundary rule with her because she thought that we had "similar problems" She thought that if we were to talk, it would probably cause trouble somehow. It's very stupid logic if you ask me. I've been nothing but good ever since I was forced into this place and I've never even said so much as 'hello' to this girl. But I was still put on this boundary rule which means that I cant be anywhere near this girl, cant interact with her, and I can't go down with everyone else when its time to eat. I have to sit in my room alone and secluded from everyone when it's time to eat. It's just not fair. I didn't do anything, yet I'm being punished.

. . . . . . .

I just want to go home. I cant take this place any more. I want to be in my room listening to music and doing whatever I want to do. I want my freedom back. I want my life back. I want my dad to hug me and tell me that I'm safe and be able to believe him. I want to be okay again

. . . . . . . .

Yup, it's quiet time again and I'm sure that I have humiliated myself so bed today. I had a horrible mental breakdown right before dinner. I was crying my eyes out so bad and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't re-gain control of myself for what felt like forever. I'll be surprised if they don't force me on some type of drugs now. I know that my doctor wants to put me on medicine that she thinks would help my mental stability somehow. I really don't want to go on meds, but I'm starting to think that it might be a good idea.

~AngelCutter

Day 2

Monday 1-21-13

I need to get out of this institution. Everyone asks me to many personal questions that I have no choice but to answer eventually. And the rules are so strict here. Pointless rules that are just not needed. I mean, I can't even use a pen for my writing. They force everyone to use these small crappy pencils and mine doesn't even have an eraser. I've been deprived of all my freedom and placed where they treat us like we're in a monarchy. The therapists and doctors are the Kings and Queens and everyone else is treated like peasants. They say that they're here to help me and I do believe them to a point. But I cant shake the feeling that they're always looking down on me and that they are just waiting for the moment when I screw up and have a mental break down or something so they can use it as an excuse to force me on some pills for "mental stability" or some other shit. And honestly, that really scares me because if they do put me on any meds, that could easily take away whatever chance I have left of joining the Army in a few years. That is if being forced into this mental institution hasn't already ruined it for me.

. . .

How am I feeling? Nervous, maybe. Scared, defiantly. Depressed, you don't even have to know me to figure that one out. I've noticed today how when I'm sitting/standing or whatever, I'm either holding my folder awkwardly, have my hands locked behind me submissively, or have my arms folded in front of me defensively. Sitting in group is so awkward too, I can never stay still in one place. Its like I'm constantly adjusting or fidgeting. I just cant be comfortable in this place. No matter how friendly everyone is or what they do, I just cant let my guard down. I can never just relax and thing that I'll be okay at least for now. Maybe it's just me being weird. Maybe I just have trust issues. Maybe its the fact that I know there's cameras everywhere watching my every move. Maybe I'm just insane. I don't know. All I want to do is go home and listen to my music. It't the one thing that can actually help me control my emotions and help me feel better when I'm depressed.

~AngelCutter

Day 1 (at the mental hospital)

Sunday 1-20-2013

One day I wake up at home. The next, I wake up in the ER. Then today I woke up in a mental institution. They say that they can help me but I don't know how I can believe them when I was forced to go here. I understand that I've only been here less than 24 hours, but from what I've seen so far, I doubt that they can help me at all. The only thing they can really do is temporally keep me safe from the guys who want me dead. With all honesty, I don't even know if I want to be kept safe anymore. Last night I had a dream about all this blood surrounding me and I could tell from the taste of it, that it was my blood. Then I saw him standing above me, holding onto the chain that was around my neck and this was all to familiar to me. The tighter he pulled on the chain, the tighter it choked me. I begged him to stop but he only laughed at me. I looked down and I saw that I was naked and every part of my body had either fresh wounds that had blood pouring out of them or bruises of many different shades. And my whole body was just in terrible pain. Then I felt two hands grab my shoulders and a familiar voice whispered into my ear. He said: "We told you not to tell the cops you fucking whore" Then I felt a cold sharp metal object pulled across my neck, slowly and deep into my flesh. I screamed as blood started pouring out of my neck. I struggled as hard as I could to get away, but there was not hope, I was to weak. Everything went blurry, my muscles went limp, then I woke up.

~AngelCutter

At the ER

Today is Saturday  January 19th 2013, also known as my second day in the Hospital. I was actually just thinking to myself earlier, after I woke up from a nap, and I realized that last night was the first time that I've ever spent the whole night in a hospital. Well..no, that's a lie. I've spent a few nights in a hospital back in sixth grade when my mother had to have an emergency heart surgery. But I guess that doesn't really count because I was just in the waiting room with my father then. This time I'm the one in the hospital bed, having doctors doing tests on me, being stuck with needles, and being asked a million questions that get very repetitive and kinda annoying 'cause all the doctors and people act like they cant understand me. How did I get myself into this situation? Good question.

Yesterday was Friday, also the day before a 3-day weekend because of a holiday on Monday and all the schools will be closed. So given that, you can imagine how the majority of people would be a bit stressed form the long week and just wanting to get through the day so they could enjoy the weekend. And I was defiantly one of those people. The morning was slow and I was running a little behind so, as usual, my dad was yelling at me from the moment he woke up. I rushed out the door with coffee in hand and silently cursed at how freezing cold it felt. (I really don't like the cold at all anymore) When my dad dropped me off at school, he actually tried to apologize to me for yelling at me like he did but I just slammed the truck door and walked away trying to make it obvious to him that his apology was not excepted. I went straight to class, didn't really talk to anyone 'cause I wasn't in the best of moods an i knew that my friends would understand when I explained latter. After like the first 5 minutes of class, I just got up and told the teacher that I was leaving to go to the blood drive that was being held in the small gym. I had made an appointment a few weeks earlier in advance. I'm always one of the first people in line to sign up for the blood drives at my school. I love donating blood, it's for a good cause and it gets me out of a few classes just to lay down and rest while listening to music as the blood drains into the bag.

But this time it was a little different. I recently lost 20 pounds the week before the blood drive from basically starving myself. So while I was laying there, I started feeling really dizzy and the room was moving when I wasn't. I told myself that this was just part of the plan and that I wouldn't have to feel anything at all soon enough when I  finally died. After I finished giving blood the doctor tried to just put a band-aid on my arm and let me go, but my arm just wouldn't stop bleeding. It took her like 15 minutes at least to get it to slow down enough to bandage it up. Then it took everything I had to walk straight enough so the doctors or anyone wouldn't notice how dizzy I was really feeling. Then later at lunch time I felt really sick and week, I just laid my head down on the table and just wanted to burst into tears. My friends asked me whats wrong but I said that I was okay. Somehow, they convinced me to go to the guidance counselor and I just broke. I explained to the counselor everything that has been happening and how I was just giving up on life. I was crying my eyes out the whole time, but I also was laughing while crying. My emotions were all coming out at once and I was a wreck. Eventually I was able to re-gain somewhat control of myself and go back to class but it still felt like my mind was going way faster than what I could keep up with psychically.

I was so relieved when school was finally over, I walked around the school on the outside sidewalk to get to the transfer bus that takes the transfer students (such as me) to the other school to then get on their normal buses. On the transfer bus, I sat in the very back seat with one of my really close friends and we just sat back there hiding from everyone else, mainly so the bus driver wouldn't see us and we pigged out on half a bag of BBQ potato chips just because we could. When we got to the other school, I quickly shoved the rest of the bag of chips in my backpack so the bus driver wouldn't see and everyone stood up to get off. But one of the assistant principles from the school we were at came up to the bus and the bus driver told everyone to sit down. Then she asked "Is Samantha on the bus?" Someone that sat in front of me on the bus called out "Yeah she's back here" and then the bus driver told everyone to stay seated and for me to get off the bus first. My natural reaction was "Oh shit, I'm probably in trouble." So I just minded and got off the bus thinking that if I minded well, the punishment wouldn't be as bad hopefully. But as soon as I got off the assistant principle lady told me that I wasn't in trouble and to follow her. I was very confused and wanted to stop and question her why she wanted me to follow her before I took a single step. But I didn't feel up to fighting with her 'cause I was still dizzy and light-headed from giving blood so I just minded her and followed her into the school and into her office where she told me to sit down.

She called my school then when she hung up, she told me that my guidance counselor would be there shortly. Then she turned to me and started asking questions and I told her about what happened at school when I broke down and other crap and we just talked for a little until the counselor got there. But it wasn't my counselor that came, it was a different one that I also knew somewhat. The counselor told me what my counselor told  her and she had me explain everything to her again about the situation with the guys who want me dead, of me not eating for a week and losing so much weight, how I planned to be dead soon, and my mental break down in school. After that was all explained again and she was finished asking questions, she told me that my guidance counselor had called the CPS (child protective services) lady and she had told them to call 911 and have me sent to the hospital. That's when I started protesting and told them that I was okay and that all I wanted to do was go home but they wouldn't listen. The counselor called the CPS lady again to make sure she still wanted me to go to the hospital, she said yes. So then the counselor called 911, explained the whole situation, gave them the address to the school we were at, then hung up and told me that the ambulance was on the way. Then she asked if I had any weapons on me and I told them that I didn't but they still searched my backpack to make sure.

When the ambulance showed up, there were 2 cop cars that followed them and as soon as I saw one of them, I was like "Oh shit!" because I knew him from a different.... experience. He was the same cop that took my knife away at the sheriffs station a while ago. As soon as he saw me he said "Yeah, I know Samantha." He sat down in a chair across from where I was sitting and questioned me about everything and I explained the situation again. I tried to convince him that I'm okay and that they should just let me go home but had no luck with that. He told me that I would have to go to the hospital and that since I was 17, I had no choice but to go with them. The cops and ambulance people led me outside and I really felt like just dropping my book bag and taking off running but they were basically surrounding me like they were expecting me to run. I really had no chance of getting away, so I did what they told me to do and got into the ambulance. They took me to the ER where they left me for the doctors to deal with and I continually told them to let me just go home but still had no luck with that. The doctors had me strip down into nothing and put on a gown, then I had to talk to another cop for like a half an hour, had to answer a thousand questions to him and the doctors, and hours later they decided to transfer me to a different hospital in Martinsburg and that't where I am now.

~AngelCutter

I'm back

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't been active on here recently. January 18th the guidance counselor at school called 911 and I was taken to the ER for basically what was the beginning part of my suicidal plan, and then I was put into a mental hospital for nearly 3 weeks. I got out of there on February 6th and I'm better now for the most part just as long as I stay on my meds. I also did keep a day-to-day journal while I was at the hospital and I plan to post my entries on here soon enough.

~AngelCutter

I love you

I know I've said this
Many times before
But hunny I'm so in love with you
Those are the words
I will never grow tired of telling you

When I cry at night
So scared and alone
I just think about you
Then I'm alright

'Cause I know that if
You were really here
You'd wrap me in your arms
And keep me safe

You're the only one I want
The only one that I'll ever need.
I hope you know
Just how much you mean to me

Our love is strong
We can survive anything
I know you'll be there
For the better and worse
You prove that to me
By the way you talk

When I dream about a better life
You're always there
Right by my side
And you never leave

And yes I spend my time
Writing sappy love songs
But what's so wrong
It's the way I feel

Boy, you're the one I love
And I always will
Every day and every hour
I'm thinking about you
You're on my mind
And in my heart

And baby you know
That my word is true

~AngelCutter

I'm sick...I think

Coffee, water, and one cracker that I was forced to eat when my history teacher sent me to the nurses office during 5^th period today is all that I’ve eaten since last Thursday. I’ve been really sick, but I’m not sure why. I don’t have a fever, I feel normal, and I don’t feel sick. I just can’t eat. My stomach hurts 50% of the day, mostly after I try to drink something. I’ve attempted to eat something a few times but as soon as I smelled any food, it was game over. And most of the time when I drink some coffee, it doesn’t matter how week I make it, I usually end up puking afterwards or coming very close to puking. Sometimes I can suppress the need to vomit after drinking something by chewing gum but that doesn’t work to often. It’s possible that the reason why my stomach is acting up is because of so much stress. Finals were last week and I busted my but on those so I would pass all my classes this semester. Which I think I did. And then other stresses because of more personal reasons that I really cant, or don’t want to, say on my blog. Or I could just be having these problems from getting punched in the stomach area. Or it could be both reasons. I don’t know for sure, I’m not a doctor. Today at school during lunchtime, I just sat at the table with my lil’ group of friends like always but I didn’t even get lunch. Just smelling the greasy crap that they were serving today made me nauseous. I wanted to puke so badly but I had nothing in my stomach to puke, so it just made it hurt so bad. As we were walking back to class I was getting so dizzy, I had to stop a few times and ended up making a detour to the bathroom where I vomited what I think was blood and stomach acid or something. That which caused me to be a few minutes to class and as soon as I finished explaining to my teacher why I was late, he already was writing a pass for me to go to the nurse. I told him that I was fine and that I could still do my work, but he insisted and I didn’t argue much considering he chose to ignore when I said “the nurse wont do shit” right in front of him. Any form of cursing could get me suspended if caught by a teacher. After I told the nurse everything and she forced me to eat a cracker, she had me weigh myself and after double checking, it said I weighed only 125. This means I lost nearly 15 pounds since I haven’t eaten. Honestly, I was in shock. I knew I’ve lost some weight from it but I didn’t think it was that much. I mean, it’s only been 4 days. That’s like 3 pounds a day. Crazy for sure. But I should be better soon. All I can really do right now is sit back and rest until what ever is wrong with my stomach fixes itself. And if it doesn’t…I guess I’ll just end up back in the hospital again and they’ll figure out what’s wrong. Its not like I have any other choices right now other than trying to force myself to eat, and that’s not gonna happen any time soon.

~AngelCutter

More tattoo's

My desk

Nightmare..

I was at a place where they had lots of old bombs and stuff like that on display and of course there were metal detectors. As always I tried to run through the metal detector as fast as I could in hope that it wouldn't go off this time. I had no such luck, it went off and security ran over and tackled me to the floor within seconds. When I tried to break free of their grip, they handcuffed me to keep me restrained. Next the security brought me to a room where they said that they had to do a search of me. Apparently they thought I was some sort of a threat to national security. After the search they just left the room and one of them told me to stay there. But I really had no intention of staying and a minute after they left, I walked to the door to leave. But as soon as I opened the door, I saw some random guy that appeared to be in his mid to late twenties. Then it hits me, I know exactly who he is. I immediately started shaking so bad, terrified of what he might do or make me do. I backed up into one of the walls as he walked closer and closer to me. When he got within inches of me he asked why I was so scared of him. I told him that I wasn’t and tried to make it look like I wasn’t afraid at all. But I knew that he could by the way he looked at me. He put his hand on my side beneath my shirt and reached around until his arm was across my whole back. I stiffened at his touch. His hands were gentle but to me they felt like claws of a demon on my skin. I can’t trust this man; I know what he’s thinking. He’s just like a snake, waiting to strike at his prey and swallow it down merciless.

“Just relax baby girl” He said as he pressed himself against me and brushed my hair away from my face. “This is a good thing” “You can fuck off” I say as I place my hands on his chest and shoved him away from me. He shook his head and back handed me across the face then walked out, slamming the door behind him. I immediately went to the window in hope to get it open and get the hell out of that place before anyone else came in there. But as soon as I got close to the window it started fading away. I ran to it and tried to open it up before it disappeared completely but by time I got there it was gone. I ran into the wall, slamming myself into it then taking my fists and banging on them as hard as I could and screamed “muther fucker” The walls were so cold and rough. They reminded me so much of the walls from the room in my second elementary school where I always had to go to see the therapists. Suddenly I feel very week and dizzy and I press my head against the wall to shake the feeling. The room then changes and I'm back in the old therapy room at the school. I’m terrified and shut my eyes tightly and slide down to the floor and then I realize my clothes are gone. The only thing I have on is a sports bra and underwear. I think to myself “This cant really be happening” The floor is also so very cold and I'm shaking even more. I hold my head up with my eyes still shut tight and scream "where the fuck are my clothes?"

I then feel a hand on my shoulder I open my eyes and look to see who's there, but as soon as I do I don’t feel the hand anymore and nobody is there. I silently whisper to myself "what the fuck" Suddenly I feel really calm and the room is warm. I close my eyes once more, I take in the warmth and feel my body relax. I hear something that sounds like tapping and slowly open my eyes. I see a paper on the table that I didn't notice before and out of curiosity I go and pick it up. It’s a drawing of a heart with black scribbles all over it. It looks just like the picture of a heart that I drew a long time ago there’s writing on it also "this is fake" just like what I used to write on all my pictures of hearts. I crumple the picture and throw it into the trash bin, freaked out by this.

“I still love you” I hear those 4 words in a voice that sounds just like my moms. I’m shaking again. "Its okay baby, talk to the therapists and you'll feel better" I hear her say. I look around but I cannot see my mom "where are you" I ask. I hear her say "tell him the truth no mater what even if you cry and I'll be back later." "Mommy why" a little voice says. "Mom?" I say "Bye sweetie" she says. I'm really confused now. I don’t really know exactly what I just heard but it sounded just like what my mom used to tell me all the time before she dropped me off at the school for my meetings with the therapists. I back into the wall and suddenly the room is cold again. There’s knocking on the door and I go over and open it without thinking and I see the face of my old therapist again. I step back immediately and just stare at him his face is so vivid and just as I remembered him. "Sit" he says and I do without a second thought. He asks me why I was crying I'm confused at first then he hands me a tissue. I touch my face, apparently I was crying because my face was soaking wet. I thank him and he just looks at me. After a second I ask "What?" and he's furious. He picks me up by my arms and holds me against the wall. "Shut up" he shouts, then he's pressed against me and my whole body is in intense pain. The next thing I know, the whole room is disappearing including him but I still can’t move. I look down and see straps around my body and straps around my hands. I look up and there’s many doctors leaning over the bed where I lay.

I try to scream but make no sound at all. Suddenly I'm in the air looking down at myself lying motionless with the straps still around me. One of the doctors that’s there say’s “That’s it” I call out to them but they can’t hear me and they just turn their backs and leave. I see myself just laying there motionless and I look so gray. I’m dead. My body then starts transforming in an odd way. I’m staring down at my mom but she's not breathing. I'm back on the floor but this time I'm wearing clothes gloves and a face mask but I don’t know why. My mother lays there with my dad and my sister next to her on both sides. They’re crying with there heads down there also wearing the same gloves and stuff I'm wearing. I then remember we have to wear these so we don’t pick up any infections from mom. I think to myself “this can’t be happening again! She can’t die twice!” The doctors are there and they say that they are sorry just like they did on that day when she passed. But this time (unlike the last) I charge at the doctors I start throwing punches and I scream "You killed her!” Then I'm pushed onto the floor and they hold me down, a few of them with fresh bruises on their faces. The main doctor gets a needle and comes to me and sticks it into my arm "go visit her bitch, and say hi for me" he says sternly as he takes the needle back out of my arm after emptying the contents into me. I'm shaking again uncontrollably and everyone keeps asking in sarcastic voices "Why are you shaking baby girl?” I try to answer but I can’t breath. I struggle for a few more minutes but my body gives in and everything turns black. That’s when I jolt awake.

I'm back in my room…

It’s 2:30 in the morning.

~AngelCutter