Well, because of my mental breakdown yesterday, they (the doctor and other staff) put me on level 2/C3. Which isn't C3, I'm not in any trouble 'cause I didn't do anything wrong. But it means that if I do act up in any way, they will just automatically put me on C3 with no questions asked or second guessing. And that, if you haven't guessed by now, really sucks. It just means that they'll be watching me closer and waiting for me to screw up or get pissed off so they can stuff me into C3. At least that's what it feels like. But on the bright side of things, since I've talked to my doctor a few times and have proven that I'm behaving good enough for them, I've been taken off of boundary rules. So now I no longer have that held against me anymore and I can eat with everyone else again instead of being isolated in my room during every meal.
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Today during quiet time, just out of nowhere, I just reached down into my shirt and dug into my skin with my finger nail until blood was pouring out. I did the same thing yesterday on my left cheek and again the day before on the other side of my face back towards my ear. The scratches aren't so big though. Like, if you didn't know that it was self-inflicted, you'd assume that they were just zits or something probably. I guess the real reason why I'm doing this is is just out of boredom or something. It could also be because I don't have a razor with me now to slit my wrists to get the blood that I crave, so I have to use my nails. It doesn't bleed to much, just enough so I can play with the blood. It's no big deal to me, it's just something that I do. But I know that my friends back home wouldn't agree. They don't ever like it when I do stuff like this, but I guess that it's a good thing that they don't like it. It shows that they care about me but I wish that they didn't care so much sometimes 'cause if I did do something bad one day and I was dead, it would hurt them. And the last thing I want to do is something that hurts the ones who care.
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This morning I was woke up by some really loud banging noise that I honestly thought were gunshots. I'm not sure what I was dreaming of that made me thing that it was gunshots. But I was freaking out so bad for a few seconds and I was ready to go into full military duck-and-cover/flight mode and get the hell outta there as soon as I heard the orders. Then after a little bit, I looked around and realized that I wasn't in any combat situation, I was still in the mental institution, that probably wasn't gunshots that I heard, and that I was too tired to care at all about what that noise was. So I just turned over and went back to sleep. Later, I was sitting at a table with everyone else during free time and I got the whole story from the dude who made the noise this morning. Apparently this dude was really freaking out and he picked up the chair that probably weighs like 40 pounds and threw it out of his room. Then he tried to barricade his door with his bed, which is a lot heavier. But staff were able to get in and he was sedated and put into a quiet room. I know that saying that probably makes him seem like a psycho for freaking out so bad, but he's really not that bad. He's cool once you get to know him and he taught me how to do some awesome card tricks too. But there is one trick that he taught me that I can do perfectly, but it annoys me because I cant figure out how it works.
~AngelCutter
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