I need to get out of this institution. Everyone asks me to many personal questions that I have no choice but to answer eventually. And the rules are so strict here. Pointless rules that are just not needed. I mean, I can't even use a pen for my writing. They force everyone to use these small crappy pencils and mine doesn't even have an eraser. I've been deprived of all my freedom and placed where they treat us like we're in a monarchy. The therapists and doctors are the Kings and Queens and everyone else is treated like peasants. They say that they're here to help me and I do believe them to a point. But I cant shake the feeling that they're always looking down on me and that they are just waiting for the moment when I screw up and have a mental break down or something so they can use it as an excuse to force me on some pills for "mental stability" or some other shit. And honestly, that really scares me because if they do put me on any meds, that could easily take away whatever chance I have left of joining the Army in a few years. That is if being forced into this mental institution hasn't already ruined it for me.
. . .
How am I feeling? Nervous, maybe. Scared, defiantly. Depressed, you don't even have to know me to figure that one out. I've noticed today how when I'm sitting/standing or whatever, I'm either holding my folder awkwardly, have my hands locked behind me submissively, or have my arms folded in front of me defensively. Sitting in group is so awkward too, I can never stay still in one place. Its like I'm constantly adjusting or fidgeting. I just cant be comfortable in this place. No matter how friendly everyone is or what they do, I just cant let my guard down. I can never just relax and thing that I'll be okay at least for now. Maybe it's just me being weird. Maybe I just have trust issues. Maybe its the fact that I know there's cameras everywhere watching my every move. Maybe I'm just insane. I don't know. All I want to do is go home and listen to my music. It't the one thing that can actually help me control my emotions and help me feel better when I'm depressed.
~AngelCutter
Get better soon.
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