AngelCutter
Monday, December 31, 2012
No rules
I love the fact that my dad believes that all teenagers should have just about as much freedom as any adult does by time they're at least 16 years old. Now that I think about it, there really isn't any rules that my dad makes me live by as long as I don't kill anybody and I don't get into trouble with the cops or at school. For example: I can openly talk to my dad and tell him that I've drank alcohol before or that I've smoked something or that I've had sex or something and he wont get all mad or ground me like other parents probably would. But I know for a fact that if I ended up pregnant or if I drank or smoked in front of him, I'd be in a shit load of trouble without a doubt. But other than that, I really don't have to "obey" any rules. I cut my hair, dress the way I want, hang out with whoever I want, and just do whatever I want to. I remember one time a while ago I was talking to one of my dads friends and he was asking me a tons of questions about why I dress the way I want to and do the things I do and he asked "what if I told your dad about this?" I just shrugged and told him that my dad already knew about it. He was surprised and said that I was lying. Later my dad came over and asked him if he knew about this stuff and he said yes. Then my dad commented that he doesn't have rules for me and said that he didn't have any rules because he knows that I'd just ignore him anyways even if he did have rules and that I would still just do what I wanted to. His friend then looked at me and said that I wasn't joking and I said "I told you so!" Then he made a weird face at me trying to mock me and I stuck my tongue out at him.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
New Hair
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| Before-------------------------------------------------------------------After |
~AngelCutter
Friday, December 28, 2012
Good Morning!
I love waking up in the morning some days when I have the best metal blasting from the speakers, sipping on some really strong coffee, my dads not yelling at me, having a good hair day, I get to taste a little drop of blood from my thumb, my kidneys aren’t sore, my favorite glow-in-the-dark skull t-shirt is clean, and the best thing is the fact that I can actually feel good like this for once without any drugs in my system.
~AngelCutter
Thursday, December 27, 2012
No Food
A mostly fiction short-story:
It seems like people are always making me eat something when I really don’t feel like eating. Some days I just don’t want to eat for whatever reason but there’s always someone trying to force me to. Take today for an example… All I wanted to do was sleep the day away because I was having a slight hangover, but my dad did eventually make me get up at 1400. So I just kinda stumbled out of my room and pretended that I was just fine. I made some coffee and sat on the sofa in the living room with my dad and he said something about food and I basically ignored him. He asked if I wanted some eggs and I said no then got up and made some coffee and went back to my room to with it and logged onto my computer. A few minutes later he knocked on my door and told me to come out. So I did and that’s when I saw he made some eggs and I just said “no” then turned to go back into my room. He kinda grabbed my shoulder to stop me from leaving and told me to sit down and eat the eggs. I ate about 3 bites and when he left the kitchen I got up and threw away the rest and announced that I was finished, hoping that he’d get the message that I wasn’t in the mood for eating and I went back to my room. He came in a minute later handing me a small glass of orange juice and a tuna sandwich and told me to eat. I glared at him making it obvious that I wasn’t pleased about this but he just stood in my doorway waiting for me to eat. I obeyed his silent commands and started eating slowly piece-by-piece so he’d get bored of watching me eventually and leave, which he did and as soon as he left I tossed it into the trash. He came back a few minutes later and asked if I was finished. I said yup and pointed to the trash. He cursed at me and told me that I need to eat something so I don’t starve again and I could tell by that comment and the look in his face that he was thinking back to the times when I was suicidal and that kinda pissed me off. So I grabbed the rest of the sandwich out of the trash and threw it at his face as hard as I could which he ended up catching kinda and made a mess of his hands and the front of his shirt. He cursed me out again and left and didn’t come back this time after a few minutes, obviously giving up on trying to force me to eat anymore. I smiled a little and thought “I won this battle”
It seems like people are always making me eat something when I really don’t feel like eating. Some days I just don’t want to eat for whatever reason but there’s always someone trying to force me to. Take today for an example… All I wanted to do was sleep the day away because I was having a slight hangover, but my dad did eventually make me get up at 1400. So I just kinda stumbled out of my room and pretended that I was just fine. I made some coffee and sat on the sofa in the living room with my dad and he said something about food and I basically ignored him. He asked if I wanted some eggs and I said no then got up and made some coffee and went back to my room to with it and logged onto my computer. A few minutes later he knocked on my door and told me to come out. So I did and that’s when I saw he made some eggs and I just said “no” then turned to go back into my room. He kinda grabbed my shoulder to stop me from leaving and told me to sit down and eat the eggs. I ate about 3 bites and when he left the kitchen I got up and threw away the rest and announced that I was finished, hoping that he’d get the message that I wasn’t in the mood for eating and I went back to my room. He came in a minute later handing me a small glass of orange juice and a tuna sandwich and told me to eat. I glared at him making it obvious that I wasn’t pleased about this but he just stood in my doorway waiting for me to eat. I obeyed his silent commands and started eating slowly piece-by-piece so he’d get bored of watching me eventually and leave, which he did and as soon as he left I tossed it into the trash. He came back a few minutes later and asked if I was finished. I said yup and pointed to the trash. He cursed at me and told me that I need to eat something so I don’t starve again and I could tell by that comment and the look in his face that he was thinking back to the times when I was suicidal and that kinda pissed me off. So I grabbed the rest of the sandwich out of the trash and threw it at his face as hard as I could which he ended up catching kinda and made a mess of his hands and the front of his shirt. He cursed me out again and left and didn’t come back this time after a few minutes, obviously giving up on trying to force me to eat anymore. I smiled a little and thought “I won this battle”
~AngelCutter
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Missing you
Yesterday was really hard for me to be honest. It was my very first Christmas without my mother being here. She was always real big on celebrating this time of year. She used to decorate the whole house, make wonderful Christmas deserts, and always had happy holiday music playing all month long. She always did all she could to make this time of year special for everybody, not just herself. And I was always there with her, helping her decorate and cook and whatever she wanted to do. No matter how sappy some of the things we did this time of year seemed to other people, we always stuck to our traditions and tried to make the best out of it. But yesterday I didn’t have her and I just fell apart. It’s been 8 months since her death and for the longest time I wouldn’t let myself cry at all when I missed her. Sometimes I still try not to. But sometimes a few tears are called for. No matter how much I try to hide my emotions, I can't totally get rid of them. And yesterday I just let go and cried so much and my eyes were bloodshot all day from it. And you know what…for what seems like the first time in my life, I’m not ashamed of my tears. She was my mother, though we fought and argued a lot, I still loved her more than anything.
Merry Christmas mommy. I miss you so much.
Merry Christmas mommy. I miss you so much.
~AngelCutter
Writting Addiction
Holy Crap. I was just thinking, and after looking back on my computer through my conversations with different people today…I realized that I’ve spent over 7 hours today on my writing. And I’ve only been awake what, maybe 12 hours at the most and that’s not counting the nap I took. For those of you who have ever wondered if it’s possible for your fingers to get tired after typing so much on the computer, it is very possible. 5 of those 7 hours that I’ve spent writing today was continuous non-stop typing. And honestly, right now I just want to write even more. I swear, writing for me can be very addictive. This is not a joke either. A couple years ago, before I started doing my writing on the computer, I got so addicted to writing that I’d bring a pen and one of my notebooks everywhere I went and would not stop writing no matter what. I’d write on the bus, at school, at home, at a friend’s house, while walking, at the dinner table, in the back of my dad’s truck, and even when I went to the bathroom I would not stop writing. I was like this for almost a month. It even caused me to have this permanent callus on my right middle finger where you can feel the indention of the pen on my finger where I used to hold it. Eventually I figured out what was happening and I put an end to writing so much and I burned almost all of my writing from that time. Today really reminded me of how my addiction to writing can be a little too abundant. And here I am writing more. Ugh, I think it’s time for me to go to bed now, it’s already after 0300. Goodnight my love’s <3
~AngelCutter
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
My day at the ER:
Just another normal, boring day at school right? Even worse ‘cause it’s a Monday, which means there’s a long week ahead and I really wasn’t looking forward to any of it. No, there really wasn’t anything normal about this day. First it started off waking up in a house that I didn’t live in. I was staying at a “safe house” and my life was (still kinda is) in the hands of the government and child protective services. Other than not being in my own home, the morning was basically normal. Also it was uniform day for ROTC because we had a special visitor that day and we were aiming to impress him so all the cadets, including me, had to wear their Service Dress Uniform (SDU). I didn’t feel to well physically that day though, but I just brushed it off thinking that it was just stress getting to me and that it would pass when I woke up all the way. But as the day went on it didn’t go away. I went to lunch and just ignored the weird feelings and the slight pain in my stomach and just hung out with a few of my friends while we ate lunch and did my best to just try and temporarily forget about every stressful thing that has been going on and just relax for a bit.
When the bell rang and we got up to go back to out 5th period I felt really dizzy like I could’ve fainted or something. But me feeling dizzy isn’t really that abnormal. So, like always, I brushed off the weird feelings again and kept walking. The dizziness didn’t go away and when I got to my seat in 5th period, I put my head down and fell asleep almost instantly. I still don’t know what I missed in class that day and honestly I really don’t care ‘cause I don’t think that it was all that important either. One of my friends woke my up a couple minutes before the bell was about to ring and at that point, I really couldn’t see that straight. The bell rung and I stumbled out of my chair kinda as I put my book bag on my shoulders then I hugged Kaitlin goodbye, knowing I probably wouldn’t see her for the rest of the day and took her book to put in the locker that we share. I walked down the main hallway kinda brushing against the wall for balance till Alex came and put his arm around me and let me kinda lean on him. He asked me if I was okay as we walked and I told him that I was just tired and was still waking up from my nap in 5th period. We got to my locker and I put mine and Kaitlins books in the right places, taking longer than usual. He asked if I was okay again and I said I was fine. We hugged then parted to go to our 6th period classes. I turned around a bit to fast and got extremely dizzy, more than I could ever remember, and I felt all the color drain from my face. That’s when I realized something wasn’t quite right.
The warning bell rung and I was still far from my next class and I silently cursed in my head knowing that I’d probably be late and the teacher would probably be pissed. I could barely see at this point so I just walked slowly towards the class and I heard someone near by say that I was going to be late but I didn’t care much at all anymore. The bell rung just as I was two feet away from the door to the classroom and the sound from it seemed so loud and sudden, it caused me to startle and stumble over my own feet. I heard someone say to get to class and I hurried into the classroom but stopped in the doorway and another student that was apparently coming in behind me told me to watch out and pushed me to the side. I then lost nearly all me vision and I herd the teacher say my name and something else but I couldn’t make out the words. I tried to say okay and take a step towards my seat but a loud ringing started in my ears and everything turned pitch black instantly and I felt my whole body relax.
A moment later I felt something cold and hard on my back and someone’s hand on my knee. I opened my eyes and squinted ‘cause it seemed like the lights were blindingly bright and when my vision came back I saw multiple teachers and students all looking down at me and a few seconds later the principle and a few other school staff were around looking at me also with worried looks on their faces. There was an announcement over the intercom asking for the nurse to come to the classroom I was in. At first I was confused, and then I realized that I was on the floor and that I must’ve collapsed or something. Then I remembered that I was still in my uniform and that being on the floor was getting it dirty and I tried sitting up and that’s when the pain really came to me. My stomach and sides towards my back felt like they were being pumped until they were moments from exploding but also being crushed within seconds of mere existence at the same time. I griped my stomach immediately and just about busted into tears but did my best to hold them back because everyone was watching me and I hate crying in front of people for whatever reason ‘cause I think that it makes me seem weak and vulnerable. I harshly wiped away a few tears and curled up into a ball basically ‘cause the pain was so fucking bad. I heard the teacher tell the other students to stop staring at me and to give me space to breathe. Everyone was asking me if I was okay, what happened, what was wrong, why I was crying, and a thousand other questions. I tried to tell them my stomach felt like it was killing me but I could barely make out the words ‘cause I was holding my breath and grimacing at the pain.
The nurse came and led me out into the hall and made me lay down though the smallest of movement involving my stomach sent out what felt like lightning bolts of pain everywhere and made me want to scream. I heard some doors close and someone say something about getting a wheelchair. I didn’t like that idea and tried to tell them that I could walk by myself and tried to stand but someone forced me back down and I heard the nurse say to go get it. The nurse helped me get my book bag off and everyone kept asking me more questions for what felt like an eternity and I did my best to keep answering them until the one dude came with the wheelchair and they told me to sit up. I forced myself up through the pain and tried to tell them that I could walk by myself but they wouldn’t listen. They helped me stand and when I tried to walk, they basically forced my back into the chair. More pain shot through me and I just gave up trying to resist and griped my stomach more while trying to hold my sides that were burning with pain. A terribly long minute later of being pushed around in the chair and trying to hide my tears, we were in the nurse’s office and the pain kept getting worse and worse.
The nurse and guidance counselor helped me stand up again then told me to lie down on the bed. They kept asking what was wrong at first and I kept trying to tell them that I was in pain, where it was, and that I didn’t know why I was having these pains. They also asked questions like if I was on any drugs, if I’ve been drinking or doing stuff I shouldn’t be doing, but the one question that I really couldn’t answer was when they asked if I was pregnant. I thought about it in-between grimacing at the pain and really, I didn’t know if I was pregnant or not. I’ve fooled around with a guy a few times a long time ago and some of those times we didn’t use a condom ‘cause we didn’t have any at that. The thought that I might be pregnant and that some complications could be causing all this pain really scared me and I could tell by the way the nurse looked at me said that she was a bit worried too especially after I told her that my period was long over due. A few minutes and a million repeated questions later the nurse told the counselor that she’s gonna have to call 911. I opened my eyes and asked what and they just told me to relax and that I’d be okay. Then I heard the guidance counselor say something about putting me through drug tests and I was kinda worried about that ‘cause I didn‘t know if anything illegal was still in my system or not.
The nurse called 911 gave them information about me, the schools address, then came to me and said that the ambulance would be here in a few minutes and that she’ll be calling Child Protective Services and other people to tell them what’s happening and that I’ll be taken to the hospital. The nurse and the counselor tried talking with me about things other than going to the hospital to try and get my mind off of the pain while I laid there and we waited for the ambulance to come for me. I don’t remember much of what we talked about then but it was nice for them to try and comfort me. I’ve known them for almost 3 years now and we’ve talked many times before and while we were waiting, they did make me feel a little better. They made me feel like I wasn’t completely on my own in those few minutes and I’m really thankful for that.
When the ambulance arrived, there were two girls and one guy, none looked like they could be any older than 35 at the most. They had me take off my jacket and they took my blood pressure and my pulse and asked many questions. Then they helped me on to the gurney, put straps around me that they called seatbelts for safety but I called restraints for control, and they rather quickly took me out and put me in the ambulance. They asked me if I was cold or wanted a blanket and I told them that temperature was the least of my worries at that moment which ended up being kinda humorous. I swear the ride to the hospital was a near death experience. You would think that an ambulance ride would be somewhat smooth and wouldn’t cause any harm to the person already in huge amounts of pain right? Not on the mountains of West Virginia. The ride to the hospital was the worst ever, every turn or slightest bump felt like I was getting punched in the guts while being shot with a semi-automatic. I really cried out in pain a few times no matter how badly I hated myself for showing weakness, I just couldn’t take it to a certain point. By time we got to the hospital I felt like I was dieing. I really thought that the pain I was going through was just to much to handle at times and that it was gonna end up killing me that day.
As they were taking me out of the ambulance, the guy that was there actually told me that I was handling the pain a lot better than he ever could and I remember telling him that he had no idea how much this hurts. After we got into the hospital and I was allowed to rest for a few minutes, though I was still in a great deal of pain, I was able to get back to my senses and start thinking that I could get through it and that I wasn’t gonna let whatever was wrong kill me. After about half an hour of waiting, my dad finally came to the hospital to sign some papers allowing the doctors to do tests and treat me. But my dad wasn’t allowed to come back and see me because Child Protective Services were still doing an investigation at that time and by law he still wasn’t allowed to have any contact with me. The doctors hooked up an IV into my left arm and after they did many tests on me, they finally gave me some pain medicine which they claimed it to be a new type of pain medicine that is even stronger and better than morphine could ever be. I kinda doubted that at first and thought they were trying to trick me until they flushed the IV and the medicine got in me and immediately took an effect. I swear, 95% of the pain just melted away and left me laying there on the hospital bed, my body basically numb, and I felt high as shit. The funniest thing about that though, was the fact that they only gave me half a dose of it and it was able to have that much of an immediate effect on me. So about 3 hours later and after many tests mixed with slipping in and out of conscience, being pumped full of fluids through IV, being forced to down some awful pink medicine, and feeling like the test subject of some crazed scientist, the doctors finally came to a conclusion of what was wrong with me and released me from the hospital.
Apparently I was beyond dehydrated and I had multiple infections that made me be in so much damn pain. I had a urinary track infection, a kidney infection, and a newly born sinus infection that I didn’t end up feeling that bad until later that evening, and a few days later I developed an ear infection. And all of this was toped off with allergies from seasonal change. Usually allergies don’t have much of an effect on me at all, but since my body was putting so much stress into fighting off the infections, the allergies were much worse than what they would’ve been naturally. But this happened weeks ago and I took all (well.. most) of the medicine that I was supposed to and I’m feeling all better now and I’ve been drinking plenty of fluids so I don’t get dehydrated again or be put back into the hospital.
When the bell rang and we got up to go back to out 5th period I felt really dizzy like I could’ve fainted or something. But me feeling dizzy isn’t really that abnormal. So, like always, I brushed off the weird feelings again and kept walking. The dizziness didn’t go away and when I got to my seat in 5th period, I put my head down and fell asleep almost instantly. I still don’t know what I missed in class that day and honestly I really don’t care ‘cause I don’t think that it was all that important either. One of my friends woke my up a couple minutes before the bell was about to ring and at that point, I really couldn’t see that straight. The bell rung and I stumbled out of my chair kinda as I put my book bag on my shoulders then I hugged Kaitlin goodbye, knowing I probably wouldn’t see her for the rest of the day and took her book to put in the locker that we share. I walked down the main hallway kinda brushing against the wall for balance till Alex came and put his arm around me and let me kinda lean on him. He asked me if I was okay as we walked and I told him that I was just tired and was still waking up from my nap in 5th period. We got to my locker and I put mine and Kaitlins books in the right places, taking longer than usual. He asked if I was okay again and I said I was fine. We hugged then parted to go to our 6th period classes. I turned around a bit to fast and got extremely dizzy, more than I could ever remember, and I felt all the color drain from my face. That’s when I realized something wasn’t quite right.
The warning bell rung and I was still far from my next class and I silently cursed in my head knowing that I’d probably be late and the teacher would probably be pissed. I could barely see at this point so I just walked slowly towards the class and I heard someone near by say that I was going to be late but I didn’t care much at all anymore. The bell rung just as I was two feet away from the door to the classroom and the sound from it seemed so loud and sudden, it caused me to startle and stumble over my own feet. I heard someone say to get to class and I hurried into the classroom but stopped in the doorway and another student that was apparently coming in behind me told me to watch out and pushed me to the side. I then lost nearly all me vision and I herd the teacher say my name and something else but I couldn’t make out the words. I tried to say okay and take a step towards my seat but a loud ringing started in my ears and everything turned pitch black instantly and I felt my whole body relax.
A moment later I felt something cold and hard on my back and someone’s hand on my knee. I opened my eyes and squinted ‘cause it seemed like the lights were blindingly bright and when my vision came back I saw multiple teachers and students all looking down at me and a few seconds later the principle and a few other school staff were around looking at me also with worried looks on their faces. There was an announcement over the intercom asking for the nurse to come to the classroom I was in. At first I was confused, and then I realized that I was on the floor and that I must’ve collapsed or something. Then I remembered that I was still in my uniform and that being on the floor was getting it dirty and I tried sitting up and that’s when the pain really came to me. My stomach and sides towards my back felt like they were being pumped until they were moments from exploding but also being crushed within seconds of mere existence at the same time. I griped my stomach immediately and just about busted into tears but did my best to hold them back because everyone was watching me and I hate crying in front of people for whatever reason ‘cause I think that it makes me seem weak and vulnerable. I harshly wiped away a few tears and curled up into a ball basically ‘cause the pain was so fucking bad. I heard the teacher tell the other students to stop staring at me and to give me space to breathe. Everyone was asking me if I was okay, what happened, what was wrong, why I was crying, and a thousand other questions. I tried to tell them my stomach felt like it was killing me but I could barely make out the words ‘cause I was holding my breath and grimacing at the pain.
The nurse came and led me out into the hall and made me lay down though the smallest of movement involving my stomach sent out what felt like lightning bolts of pain everywhere and made me want to scream. I heard some doors close and someone say something about getting a wheelchair. I didn’t like that idea and tried to tell them that I could walk by myself and tried to stand but someone forced me back down and I heard the nurse say to go get it. The nurse helped me get my book bag off and everyone kept asking me more questions for what felt like an eternity and I did my best to keep answering them until the one dude came with the wheelchair and they told me to sit up. I forced myself up through the pain and tried to tell them that I could walk by myself but they wouldn’t listen. They helped me stand and when I tried to walk, they basically forced my back into the chair. More pain shot through me and I just gave up trying to resist and griped my stomach more while trying to hold my sides that were burning with pain. A terribly long minute later of being pushed around in the chair and trying to hide my tears, we were in the nurse’s office and the pain kept getting worse and worse.
The nurse and guidance counselor helped me stand up again then told me to lie down on the bed. They kept asking what was wrong at first and I kept trying to tell them that I was in pain, where it was, and that I didn’t know why I was having these pains. They also asked questions like if I was on any drugs, if I’ve been drinking or doing stuff I shouldn’t be doing, but the one question that I really couldn’t answer was when they asked if I was pregnant. I thought about it in-between grimacing at the pain and really, I didn’t know if I was pregnant or not. I’ve fooled around with a guy a few times a long time ago and some of those times we didn’t use a condom ‘cause we didn’t have any at that. The thought that I might be pregnant and that some complications could be causing all this pain really scared me and I could tell by the way the nurse looked at me said that she was a bit worried too especially after I told her that my period was long over due. A few minutes and a million repeated questions later the nurse told the counselor that she’s gonna have to call 911. I opened my eyes and asked what and they just told me to relax and that I’d be okay. Then I heard the guidance counselor say something about putting me through drug tests and I was kinda worried about that ‘cause I didn‘t know if anything illegal was still in my system or not.
The nurse called 911 gave them information about me, the schools address, then came to me and said that the ambulance would be here in a few minutes and that she’ll be calling Child Protective Services and other people to tell them what’s happening and that I’ll be taken to the hospital. The nurse and the counselor tried talking with me about things other than going to the hospital to try and get my mind off of the pain while I laid there and we waited for the ambulance to come for me. I don’t remember much of what we talked about then but it was nice for them to try and comfort me. I’ve known them for almost 3 years now and we’ve talked many times before and while we were waiting, they did make me feel a little better. They made me feel like I wasn’t completely on my own in those few minutes and I’m really thankful for that.
When the ambulance arrived, there were two girls and one guy, none looked like they could be any older than 35 at the most. They had me take off my jacket and they took my blood pressure and my pulse and asked many questions. Then they helped me on to the gurney, put straps around me that they called seatbelts for safety but I called restraints for control, and they rather quickly took me out and put me in the ambulance. They asked me if I was cold or wanted a blanket and I told them that temperature was the least of my worries at that moment which ended up being kinda humorous. I swear the ride to the hospital was a near death experience. You would think that an ambulance ride would be somewhat smooth and wouldn’t cause any harm to the person already in huge amounts of pain right? Not on the mountains of West Virginia. The ride to the hospital was the worst ever, every turn or slightest bump felt like I was getting punched in the guts while being shot with a semi-automatic. I really cried out in pain a few times no matter how badly I hated myself for showing weakness, I just couldn’t take it to a certain point. By time we got to the hospital I felt like I was dieing. I really thought that the pain I was going through was just to much to handle at times and that it was gonna end up killing me that day.
As they were taking me out of the ambulance, the guy that was there actually told me that I was handling the pain a lot better than he ever could and I remember telling him that he had no idea how much this hurts. After we got into the hospital and I was allowed to rest for a few minutes, though I was still in a great deal of pain, I was able to get back to my senses and start thinking that I could get through it and that I wasn’t gonna let whatever was wrong kill me. After about half an hour of waiting, my dad finally came to the hospital to sign some papers allowing the doctors to do tests and treat me. But my dad wasn’t allowed to come back and see me because Child Protective Services were still doing an investigation at that time and by law he still wasn’t allowed to have any contact with me. The doctors hooked up an IV into my left arm and after they did many tests on me, they finally gave me some pain medicine which they claimed it to be a new type of pain medicine that is even stronger and better than morphine could ever be. I kinda doubted that at first and thought they were trying to trick me until they flushed the IV and the medicine got in me and immediately took an effect. I swear, 95% of the pain just melted away and left me laying there on the hospital bed, my body basically numb, and I felt high as shit. The funniest thing about that though, was the fact that they only gave me half a dose of it and it was able to have that much of an immediate effect on me. So about 3 hours later and after many tests mixed with slipping in and out of conscience, being pumped full of fluids through IV, being forced to down some awful pink medicine, and feeling like the test subject of some crazed scientist, the doctors finally came to a conclusion of what was wrong with me and released me from the hospital.
Apparently I was beyond dehydrated and I had multiple infections that made me be in so much damn pain. I had a urinary track infection, a kidney infection, and a newly born sinus infection that I didn’t end up feeling that bad until later that evening, and a few days later I developed an ear infection. And all of this was toped off with allergies from seasonal change. Usually allergies don’t have much of an effect on me at all, but since my body was putting so much stress into fighting off the infections, the allergies were much worse than what they would’ve been naturally. But this happened weeks ago and I took all (well.. most) of the medicine that I was supposed to and I’m feeling all better now and I’ve been drinking plenty of fluids so I don’t get dehydrated again or be put back into the hospital.
~AngelCutter
Balance
What would happen
When an angel dies
A mass chaos
Or nothing at all
But that’s not true
Angels will never die
Even the living angels
A new born baby
A WW2 veteran
Angels surround us
But not many understand
Every day we see them
And they never die
Their energy just spreads
That’s where it goes
Their energy surrounds us
It fills the universe
It fills the void
Energy makes matter move
Energy is anima
Anima is the soul
Anima means movement
What about the dark angels
The tortured souls
They are necessary
They are the balance
Do they cry forever
Or can they find peace
They are the opposite
Opposites explain everything
When a balance is reached
There is no more need
For dark or light angels
Heaven and hell
Are the same thing
States of mind
Energy and opposite
Do we ever know
If it even exists
We can only infer they do
There is no proof
Its just like love
We just know it’s there
Just like this
Proof is evidence
Only idiots need it
Everything above proof
Is intelligence or faith
Things just need a balance
Or they really don’t
But they tend to it
It’s the journey between
That makes life worth it
That movement
The need for balance
It keeps the world moving
It never happens
But the universe seeks it
Its like an instinct
Survival of the universe
Survival is the one thing
Everyone needs it
But no one has it
Its like an obscene
If balance were reached
Life would stop
No more movement
No souls or animals
Not death but quietness
Like Buddhist Nirvana
Eternal quietness
A sweet nothing
Its simply a perfection
The one thing
That can never exist
We can only foresee
In dreams and ecstasy
Like a reminiscence
Of an ancient past
One day it will happen
‘Cause everything that exists
Its all a cyclic
We’ve been there before
When the universe
Was once a whole
United…
Little…
Dense…
Black…
Spot…
Was so fucking dense
The blackness was broken
The blackness exploded
And now we’re just here
Pieces of a puzzle
All sharing a part
Of the original consciousness
All are seeking
To be reunited again
Always wanting to be
Part of the bigger scheme
~AngelCutter
&
~Llorenç
When an angel dies
A mass chaos
Or nothing at all
But that’s not true
Angels will never die
Even the living angels
A new born baby
A WW2 veteran
Angels surround us
But not many understand
Every day we see them
And they never die
Their energy just spreads
That’s where it goes
Their energy surrounds us
It fills the universe
It fills the void
Energy makes matter move
Energy is anima
Anima is the soul
Anima means movement
What about the dark angels
The tortured souls
They are necessary
They are the balance
Do they cry forever
Or can they find peace
They are the opposite
Opposites explain everything
When a balance is reached
There is no more need
For dark or light angels
Heaven and hell
Are the same thing
States of mind
Energy and opposite
Do we ever know
If it even exists
We can only infer they do
There is no proof
Its just like love
We just know it’s there
Just like this
Proof is evidence
Only idiots need it
Everything above proof
Is intelligence or faith
Things just need a balance
Or they really don’t
But they tend to it
It’s the journey between
That makes life worth it
That movement
The need for balance
It keeps the world moving
It never happens
But the universe seeks it
Its like an instinct
Survival of the universe
Survival is the one thing
Everyone needs it
But no one has it
Its like an obscene
If balance were reached
Life would stop
No more movement
No souls or animals
Not death but quietness
Like Buddhist Nirvana
Eternal quietness
A sweet nothing
Its simply a perfection
The one thing
That can never exist
We can only foresee
In dreams and ecstasy
Like a reminiscence
Of an ancient past
One day it will happen
‘Cause everything that exists
Its all a cyclic
We’ve been there before
When the universe
Was once a whole
United…
Little…
Dense…
Black…
Spot…
Was so fucking dense
The blackness was broken
The blackness exploded
And now we’re just here
Pieces of a puzzle
All sharing a part
Of the original consciousness
All are seeking
To be reunited again
Always wanting to be
Part of the bigger scheme
~AngelCutter
&
~Llorenç
One day on omegle...
Stranger: see
Stranger: and now u feel like u dont have to cut urself right?
You: not really
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: :D
You: I want to so bad
You: its really addictive
Stranger: stop
Stranger: please
Stranger: like
Stranger: i have some
Stranger: wrong
Stranger: side
Stranger: just dont wake it up
Stranger: brb
You: I'm sorry
Stranger: dont say sorry
Stranger: its my fault
Stranger: i kinda have something
Stranger: against
Stranger: blood
Stranger: it turns me on
Stranger: i might me a vampire
Stranger: loool
You: Lols
Stranger: lol
You: are you like a murderer or something
Stranger: and when u started i want to cut myself so bad
Stranger: i just imagined that u cut urself
Stranger: and that red blood
Stranger: comes out of ur white
Stranger: skin
Stranger: lool
Stranger: no
Stranger: im the last person
Stranger: would kill someone
Stranger: maybe not
Stranger: but
Stranger: its something else
You: damn, I kinda was hoping you were
Stranger: lol why?
You: idk
You: I was talking to one guy
You: he lived just an hour away from my house
You: he claimed to be a serial killer
Stranger: i live in turkey lol
You: I then met him
Stranger: how can i come to ur country
You: he wasn't kidding
Stranger: and kill him
You: I cut him
You: he didn't hurt me
You: he's already
You: dead
Stranger: ahahahaha
Stranger: :D
Stranger: stop
Stranger: messing
Stranger: im serious
You: haha, sorry
You: I cant help it
Stranger: lol
Stranger: its ok
Stranger: hehe
Stranger: i like it
You: it is kinda fun to mess with you
Stranger: u know
Stranger: we would
Stranger: have alot of fun around
You: if we met in real life, not on omegle
Stranger: yea i know
You: I would've already sliced my wrist to mess with you
Stranger: no
Stranger: seriously
Stranger: u wouldnt
Stranger: want to do it
Stranger: like
Stranger: even thought makes
Stranger: me
Stranger: have deep breaths
You: Lmao
Stranger: just dont
Stranger: hahaha
You: but its soo tempting
Stranger: im
Stranger: a strong guy
Stranger: u know
Stranger: even if u cut me
Stranger: lmaooo
Stranger: no
Stranger: actually i wouldn’t
Stranger: i would be smashing to the walls
Stranger: and begging u to stop
You: I still wouldn't be scared of you
Stranger: or begging u to let me kiss u and lick the blood and suck it
Stranger: i wouldnt harm u
Stranger: i never harm a girl
You: surrreee, I think that I'd do so much to mess with you, you couldn’t help yourself
Stranger: noo
Stranger: ur mean
You: sorry
Stranger: lmaooo
Stranger: no no
Stranger: i like it
Stranger: hahahaha
You: of corse you do, lmao
Stranger: lol
Stranger: shut up
Stranger: lmaoo
You: I find it impossible to shut up
~AngelCutter
Stranger: and now u feel like u dont have to cut urself right?
You: not really
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: :D
You: I want to so bad
You: its really addictive
Stranger: stop
Stranger: please
Stranger: like
Stranger: i have some
Stranger: wrong
Stranger: side
Stranger: just dont wake it up
Stranger: brb
You: I'm sorry
Stranger: dont say sorry
Stranger: its my fault
Stranger: i kinda have something
Stranger: against
Stranger: blood
Stranger: it turns me on
Stranger: i might me a vampire
Stranger: loool
You: Lols
Stranger: lol
You: are you like a murderer or something
Stranger: and when u started i want to cut myself so bad
Stranger: i just imagined that u cut urself
Stranger: and that red blood
Stranger: comes out of ur white
Stranger: skin
Stranger: lool
Stranger: no
Stranger: im the last person
Stranger: would kill someone
Stranger: maybe not
Stranger: but
Stranger: its something else
You: damn, I kinda was hoping you were
Stranger: lol why?
You: idk
You: I was talking to one guy
You: he lived just an hour away from my house
You: he claimed to be a serial killer
Stranger: i live in turkey lol
You: I then met him
Stranger: how can i come to ur country
You: he wasn't kidding
Stranger: and kill him
You: I cut him
You: he didn't hurt me
You: he's already
You: dead
Stranger: ahahahaha
Stranger: :D
Stranger: stop
Stranger: messing
Stranger: im serious
You: haha, sorry
You: I cant help it
Stranger: lol
Stranger: its ok
Stranger: hehe
Stranger: i like it
You: it is kinda fun to mess with you
Stranger: u know
Stranger: we would
Stranger: have alot of fun around
You: if we met in real life, not on omegle
Stranger: yea i know
You: I would've already sliced my wrist to mess with you
Stranger: no
Stranger: seriously
Stranger: u wouldnt
Stranger: want to do it
Stranger: like
Stranger: even thought makes
Stranger: me
Stranger: have deep breaths
You: Lmao
Stranger: just dont
Stranger: hahaha
You: but its soo tempting
Stranger: im
Stranger: a strong guy
Stranger: u know
Stranger: even if u cut me
Stranger: lmaooo
Stranger: no
Stranger: actually i wouldn’t
Stranger: i would be smashing to the walls
Stranger: and begging u to stop
You: I still wouldn't be scared of you
Stranger: or begging u to let me kiss u and lick the blood and suck it
Stranger: i wouldnt harm u
Stranger: i never harm a girl
You: surrreee, I think that I'd do so much to mess with you, you couldn’t help yourself
Stranger: noo
Stranger: ur mean
You: sorry
Stranger: lmaooo
Stranger: no no
Stranger: i like it
Stranger: hahahaha
You: of corse you do, lmao
Stranger: lol
Stranger: shut up
Stranger: lmaoo
You: I find it impossible to shut up
~AngelCutter
Blind
AS BLIND AS YOU MAY BE
A FORCED SMILE
A FORGOTTEN LIFE
WHAT IS HAPPINESS
WHEN YOUR DEAD INSIDE?
~AngelCutter
She Was Only 12
(A short story written by me... based on real events)
There is fear and terror in my eyes. I try to run and get as far away from him as fast as I can but I never have been a fast runner at all and it’s not to soon before he catches up to me and tackles me to the ground. I land on my knee and there is a loud crack as a sharp agonizing pain shoots up my leg and I let out an ear-splitting scream. He pulls me up by my hair forcing me to stand. I can’t help but cry with the pain in my leg and the fear of what he will do to me this time. He then back-hands me across the face and slams me back into the wall. I fight against him desperately but he just shrugs my punches off as nothing. He is so much bigger than me and I am so week as I am only 12 and he is 18. He shouts “I told you not to run bitch,” and I can see his rage rising within. “now your gonna get what you deserve.” I struggle more and just as I think that I might be able to get away his strong hands grasp firmly around my neck. In shock, I gasp for air and try desperately to break free from his grip, but there is no use. He easily over powers me and as his hands grip tighter, I feel as if there is nothing I can do to stop him. He forces me to the ground still not allowing any air to pass through my throat. Intense pressure grows in my head and my ears begin to ring louder and louder. In a panic, I squirm and scratch at his face and arms doing whatever I can that would possibly make him let go. I bang on the wall in a hope that someone might hear me and come to my rescue. But nobody comes and my resistance only causes him to tighten his grip even more, crushing my neck. I can’t help but thinking why, why would he do this after he has told me all those times that he loved me and wished to adopt me as his own child. I can feel my heart beat pounding in my head, gradually becoming slower…and slower… and slower. Then my muscles go completely limp and I can no longer put up any fight what-so-ever. My body has given up all hope and so have I. I feel one last moment of fear as I stare into his eyes that seem to have tears in them as well as mine. Then I slowly slip away into a dark, peaceful sleep.
There is fear and terror in my eyes. I try to run and get as far away from him as fast as I can but I never have been a fast runner at all and it’s not to soon before he catches up to me and tackles me to the ground. I land on my knee and there is a loud crack as a sharp agonizing pain shoots up my leg and I let out an ear-splitting scream. He pulls me up by my hair forcing me to stand. I can’t help but cry with the pain in my leg and the fear of what he will do to me this time. He then back-hands me across the face and slams me back into the wall. I fight against him desperately but he just shrugs my punches off as nothing. He is so much bigger than me and I am so week as I am only 12 and he is 18. He shouts “I told you not to run bitch,” and I can see his rage rising within. “now your gonna get what you deserve.” I struggle more and just as I think that I might be able to get away his strong hands grasp firmly around my neck. In shock, I gasp for air and try desperately to break free from his grip, but there is no use. He easily over powers me and as his hands grip tighter, I feel as if there is nothing I can do to stop him. He forces me to the ground still not allowing any air to pass through my throat. Intense pressure grows in my head and my ears begin to ring louder and louder. In a panic, I squirm and scratch at his face and arms doing whatever I can that would possibly make him let go. I bang on the wall in a hope that someone might hear me and come to my rescue. But nobody comes and my resistance only causes him to tighten his grip even more, crushing my neck. I can’t help but thinking why, why would he do this after he has told me all those times that he loved me and wished to adopt me as his own child. I can feel my heart beat pounding in my head, gradually becoming slower…and slower… and slower. Then my muscles go completely limp and I can no longer put up any fight what-so-ever. My body has given up all hope and so have I. I feel one last moment of fear as I stare into his eyes that seem to have tears in them as well as mine. Then I slowly slip away into a dark, peaceful sleep.
~AngelCutter
Monday, December 24, 2012
Emo
I was randomly browsing the Internet and found this saying and I feel like it is important to share because this explains exactly what I believe being emo is:
"Emo does not mean you are depressed, or that you hate yourself and your life. Emo is about expressing yourself through music and poetry. Its also about always being yourself, and not caring what people say about you." -anonymous
"Emo does not mean you are depressed, or that you hate yourself and your life. Emo is about expressing yourself through music and poetry. Its also about always being yourself, and not caring what people say about you." -anonymous
~AngelCutter
Piercings
Piercings, Yes, I love them and yes I want to get tons of them all over my body. I want to get 2 on my belly button, 2 on my tongue, 2 on my upper lip, 3 on my lower lip, 2 on my nose, 2 on my right eyebrow, and at least 3 more on each of my ears. A total of at least 16 piercings. I know that’s a lot of piercings and many people probably think that its way to many to get, but honestly, I don’t care what people think about them. It’s my own body and I can do what I want with it. I think piercings are fucking sexy, I love how they look on people and I think that they’d look good on me. I’ve talked with a number of my friends, some say that so many piercings like what I want are stupid and some say for me to go for it. But none of my REAL friends said that they wouldn’t support me through whichever decision I make (even the ones who hate piercings). Now my dad, is a completely different story… He hates all piercings and thinks they’re gross. But he’s not even gonna completely stop me from getting them. He said that I couldn’t get any until I’m 18 years old, but after that I can do whatever I want. Of course I objected to that and have tried to get him to let me get some more piercings (other than the one I have in each of my ears) but he still won’t budge. So I’m just gonna have to wait until I’m 18 or until I can figure a way of getting a few without him knowing about it.
~AngelCutter
Bomb Threat
~AngelCutter
First Snowfall
~AngelCutter
Handcuffs for Xmas
My dad and I were talking this morning not to long after I woke up and our conversation went a little like this:
Dad: You know you never told me what you wanted for Christmas this year.
Me: Yeah I did, you just weren't listening.
Dad: Well, what do you want?
Me: Those black steel handcuffs that I showed you a picture of online.
Dad: What, you were serious about that?
Me: Yup, I've wanted them since last summer.
Dad: *walks away silently and pulls out a cigarette*
I feel sorry for my dad sometimes. I'm not the average teenage daughter like he had imagined that I would be. I can imagining him sitting and thinking of me as an innocent baby and wondering how did I ever become like I am now.
Dad: You know you never told me what you wanted for Christmas this year.
Me: Yeah I did, you just weren't listening.
Dad: Well, what do you want?
Me: Those black steel handcuffs that I showed you a picture of online.
Dad: What, you were serious about that?
Me: Yup, I've wanted them since last summer.
Dad: *walks away silently and pulls out a cigarette*
I feel sorry for my dad sometimes. I'm not the average teenage daughter like he had imagined that I would be. I can imagining him sitting and thinking of me as an innocent baby and wondering how did I ever become like I am now.
~AngelCutter
Sunday, December 23, 2012
That Girl
That girl with tears in her eyes
Sitting in the back of the room
Just watching life pass her by
That girl with her head hung low
Always keeping to herself
And not letting anyone in
That girl holding her doll close to her chest
Whispering in its ear
That it'll be alright
That girl dressed in black
Chains around her neck
And the devils cross
That girl who carries a knife
Not to look tough
But it could save her life
That girl with the small black notebook
Writing down her life
And things she could never say
That girl crying late at night
Remembering the past
Afraid of the future
That girl passed out in the bathroom
Drugs taking control
Until she ends up dead
That girl without a care
Slits her wrists
Then plays in the blood
That girl tied down to a strangers bed
Crying out for help
But daddy never comes
~AngelCutter
Sitting in the back of the room
Just watching life pass her by
That girl with her head hung low
Always keeping to herself
And not letting anyone in
That girl holding her doll close to her chest
Whispering in its ear
That it'll be alright
That girl dressed in black
Chains around her neck
And the devils cross
That girl who carries a knife
Not to look tough
But it could save her life
That girl with the small black notebook
Writing down her life
And things she could never say
That girl crying late at night
Remembering the past
Afraid of the future
That girl passed out in the bathroom
Drugs taking control
Until she ends up dead
That girl without a care
Slits her wrists
Then plays in the blood
That girl tied down to a strangers bed
Crying out for help
But daddy never comes
~AngelCutter
Sharpie Tattoos
~AngelCutter
Zombie Dolls
~AngelCutter
Xmas
I fucking hate Christmas. I really do. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with Christmas in general. I even think Christmas is a great thing for kids and family gatherings and such. But, in my opinion, people are just taking the religious aspects of it WAY to far. And then there’s me, a Satanist, seeing all this crap about Christmas and religion mixed together just drives me crazy sometimes. Of coarse I’m gonna hate the religious part of it given I don’t believe in god. I just think that people go a little over board with the religious part. In my general perspective, I see Christmas plainly. I see it just as an annual holiday, the same as all the rest of the holidays, when families get together and go by their own traditions as a way of celebrating and enjoying each others company on December 25th which they so happen to call “Christmas” or “Xmas” as I like to call it sometimes. I don’t see Christmas as anything related to god or any religion even though in history that’s what they say is how it all started. Christmas to me is another random holiday just like the rest of them and it doesn’t have any deeper meaning to it. I don’t mean to be a hater or to offend anyone, this is only my opinion and this is just how I view it.
~AngelCutter
Hai
Hai guys!
I just created a new blog and this time I do plan to actually keep up in this one. My last blog basically just fell apart because I really had no intention of keeping up with it and I had no idea what to post. Keep in mind that it was my very first blog and I didn’t really know how to even use a computer back then. So this blog should be much better than the last one and I promise to keep up with it this time and keep everything updated.
ENJOY!
I just created a new blog and this time I do plan to actually keep up in this one. My last blog basically just fell apart because I really had no intention of keeping up with it and I had no idea what to post. Keep in mind that it was my very first blog and I didn’t really know how to even use a computer back then. So this blog should be much better than the last one and I promise to keep up with it this time and keep everything updated.
ENJOY!
~AngelCutter
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