I know I've said this
Many times before
But hunny I'm so in love with you
Those are the words
I will never grow tired of telling you
When I cry at night
So scared and alone
I just think about you
Then I'm alright
'Cause I know that if
You were really here
You'd wrap me in your arms
And keep me safe
You're the only one I want
The only one that I'll ever need.
I hope you know
Just how much you mean to me
Our love is strong
We can survive anything
I know you'll be there
For the better and worse
You prove that to me
By the way you talk
When I dream about a better life
You're always there
Right by my side
And you never leave
And yes I spend my time
Writing sappy love songs
But what's so wrong
It's the way I feel
Boy, you're the one I love
And I always will
Every day and every hour
I'm thinking about you
You're on my mind
And in my heart
And baby you know
That my word is true
~AngelCutter
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
I'm sick...I think
Coffee, water, and one cracker that I was forced to eat when my history teacher sent me to the nurses office during 5th period today is all that I’ve eaten since last Thursday. I’ve been really sick, but I’m not sure why. I don’t have a fever, I feel normal, and I don’t feel sick. I just can’t eat. My stomach hurts 50% of the day, mostly after I try to drink something. I’ve attempted to eat something a few times but as soon as I smelled any food, it was game over. And most of the time when I drink some coffee, it doesn’t matter how week I make it, I usually end up puking afterwards or coming very close to puking. Sometimes I can suppress the need to vomit after drinking something by chewing gum but that doesn’t work to often. It’s possible that the reason why my stomach is acting up is because of so much stress. Finals were last week and I busted my but on those so I would pass all my classes this semester. Which I think I did. And then other stresses because of more personal reasons that I really cant, or don’t want to, say on my blog. Or I could just be having these problems from getting punched in the stomach area. Or it could be both reasons. I don’t know for sure, I’m not a doctor. Today at school during lunchtime, I just sat at the table with my lil’ group of friends like always but I didn’t even get lunch. Just smelling the greasy crap that they were serving today made me nauseous. I wanted to puke so badly but I had nothing in my stomach to puke, so it just made it hurt so bad. As we were walking back to class I was getting so dizzy, I had to stop a few times and ended up making a detour to the bathroom where I vomited what I think was blood and stomach acid or something. That which caused me to be a few minutes to class and as soon as I finished explaining to my teacher why I was late, he already was writing a pass for me to go to the nurse. I told him that I was fine and that I could still do my work, but he insisted and I didn’t argue much considering he chose to ignore when I said “the nurse wont do shit” right in front of him. Any form of cursing could get me suspended if caught by a teacher. After I told the nurse everything and she forced me to eat a cracker, she had me weigh myself and after double checking, it said I weighed only 125. This means I lost nearly 15 pounds since I haven’t eaten. Honestly, I was in shock. I knew I’ve lost some weight from it but I didn’t think it was that much. I mean, it’s only been 4 days. That’s like 3 pounds a day. Crazy for sure. But I should be better soon. All I can really do right now is sit back and rest until what ever is wrong with my stomach fixes itself. And if it doesn’t…I guess I’ll just end up back in the hospital again and they’ll figure out what’s wrong. Its not like I have any other choices right now other than trying to force myself to eat, and that’s not gonna happen any time soon.
~AngelCutter
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Nightmare..
I was at a place where they had lots of old bombs and stuff like that on display and of course there were metal detectors. As always I tried to run through the metal detector as fast as I could in hope that it wouldn't go off this time. I had no such luck, it went off and security ran over and tackled me to the floor within seconds. When I tried to break free of their grip, they handcuffed me to keep me restrained. Next the security brought me to a room where they said that they had to do a search of me. Apparently they thought I was some sort of a threat to national security. After the search they just left the room and one of them told me to stay there. But I really had no intention of staying and a minute after they left, I walked to the door to leave. But as soon as I opened the door, I saw some random guy that appeared to be in his mid to late twenties. Then it hits me, I know exactly who he is. I immediately started shaking so bad, terrified of what he might do or make me do. I backed up into one of the walls as he walked closer and closer to me. When he got within inches of me he asked why I was so scared of him. I told him that I wasn’t and tried to make it look like I wasn’t afraid at all. But I knew that he could by the way he looked at me. He put his hand on my side beneath my shirt and reached around until his arm was across my whole back. I stiffened at his touch. His hands were gentle but to me they felt like claws of a demon on my skin. I can’t trust this man; I know what he’s thinking. He’s just like a snake, waiting to strike at his prey and swallow it down merciless.
“Just relax baby girl” He said as he pressed himself against me and brushed my hair away from my face. “This is a good thing” “You can fuck off” I say as I place my hands on his chest and shoved him away from me. He shook his head and back handed me across the face then walked out, slamming the door behind him. I immediately went to the window in hope to get it open and get the hell out of that place before anyone else came in there. But as soon as I got close to the window it started fading away. I ran to it and tried to open it up before it disappeared completely but by time I got there it was gone. I ran into the wall, slamming myself into it then taking my fists and banging on them as hard as I could and screamed “muther fucker” The walls were so cold and rough. They reminded me so much of the walls from the room in my second elementary school where I always had to go to see the therapists. Suddenly I feel very week and dizzy and I press my head against the wall to shake the feeling. The room then changes and I'm back in the old therapy room at the school. I’m terrified and shut my eyes tightly and slide down to the floor and then I realize my clothes are gone. The only thing I have on is a sports bra and underwear. I think to myself “This cant really be happening” The floor is also so very cold and I'm shaking even more. I hold my head up with my eyes still shut tight and scream "where the fuck are my clothes?"
I then feel a hand on my shoulder I open my eyes and look to see who's there, but as soon as I do I don’t feel the hand anymore and nobody is there. I silently whisper to myself "what the fuck" Suddenly I feel really calm and the room is warm. I close my eyes once more, I take in the warmth and feel my body relax. I hear something that sounds like tapping and slowly open my eyes. I see a paper on the table that I didn't notice before and out of curiosity I go and pick it up. It’s a drawing of a heart with black scribbles all over it. It looks just like the picture of a heart that I drew a long time ago there’s writing on it also "this is fake" just like what I used to write on all my pictures of hearts. I crumple the picture and throw it into the trash bin, freaked out by this.
“I still love you” I hear those 4 words in a voice that sounds just like my moms. I’m shaking again. "Its okay baby, talk to the therapists and you'll feel better" I hear her say. I look around but I cannot see my mom "where are you" I ask. I hear her say "tell him the truth no mater what even if you cry and I'll be back later." "Mommy why" a little voice says. "Mom?" I say "Bye sweetie" she says. I'm really confused now. I don’t really know exactly what I just heard but it sounded just like what my mom used to tell me all the time before she dropped me off at the school for my meetings with the therapists. I back into the wall and suddenly the room is cold again. There’s knocking on the door and I go over and open it without thinking and I see the face of my old therapist again. I step back immediately and just stare at him his face is so vivid and just as I remembered him. "Sit" he says and I do without a second thought. He asks me why I was crying I'm confused at first then he hands me a tissue. I touch my face, apparently I was crying because my face was soaking wet. I thank him and he just looks at me. After a second I ask "What?" and he's furious. He picks me up by my arms and holds me against the wall. "Shut up" he shouts, then he's pressed against me and my whole body is in intense pain. The next thing I know, the whole room is disappearing including him but I still can’t move. I look down and see straps around my body and straps around my hands. I look up and there’s many doctors leaning over the bed where I lay.
I try to scream but make no sound at all. Suddenly I'm in the air looking down at myself lying motionless with the straps still around me. One of the doctors that’s there say’s “That’s it” I call out to them but they can’t hear me and they just turn their backs and leave. I see myself just laying there motionless and I look so gray. I’m dead. My body then starts transforming in an odd way. I’m staring down at my mom but she's not breathing. I'm back on the floor but this time I'm wearing clothes gloves and a face mask but I don’t know why. My mother lays there with my dad and my sister next to her on both sides. They’re crying with there heads down there also wearing the same gloves and stuff I'm wearing. I then remember we have to wear these so we don’t pick up any infections from mom. I think to myself “this can’t be happening again! She can’t die twice!” The doctors are there and they say that they are sorry just like they did on that day when she passed. But this time (unlike the last) I charge at the doctors I start throwing punches and I scream "You killed her!” Then I'm pushed onto the floor and they hold me down, a few of them with fresh bruises on their faces. The main doctor gets a needle and comes to me and sticks it into my arm "go visit her bitch, and say hi for me" he says sternly as he takes the needle back out of my arm after emptying the contents into me. I'm shaking again uncontrollably and everyone keeps asking in sarcastic voices "Why are you shaking baby girl?” I try to answer but I can’t breath. I struggle for a few more minutes but my body gives in and everything turns black. That’s when I jolt awake.
I'm back in my room…
It’s 2:30 in the morning.
“Just relax baby girl” He said as he pressed himself against me and brushed my hair away from my face. “This is a good thing” “You can fuck off” I say as I place my hands on his chest and shoved him away from me. He shook his head and back handed me across the face then walked out, slamming the door behind him. I immediately went to the window in hope to get it open and get the hell out of that place before anyone else came in there. But as soon as I got close to the window it started fading away. I ran to it and tried to open it up before it disappeared completely but by time I got there it was gone. I ran into the wall, slamming myself into it then taking my fists and banging on them as hard as I could and screamed “muther fucker” The walls were so cold and rough. They reminded me so much of the walls from the room in my second elementary school where I always had to go to see the therapists. Suddenly I feel very week and dizzy and I press my head against the wall to shake the feeling. The room then changes and I'm back in the old therapy room at the school. I’m terrified and shut my eyes tightly and slide down to the floor and then I realize my clothes are gone. The only thing I have on is a sports bra and underwear. I think to myself “This cant really be happening” The floor is also so very cold and I'm shaking even more. I hold my head up with my eyes still shut tight and scream "where the fuck are my clothes?"
I then feel a hand on my shoulder I open my eyes and look to see who's there, but as soon as I do I don’t feel the hand anymore and nobody is there. I silently whisper to myself "what the fuck" Suddenly I feel really calm and the room is warm. I close my eyes once more, I take in the warmth and feel my body relax. I hear something that sounds like tapping and slowly open my eyes. I see a paper on the table that I didn't notice before and out of curiosity I go and pick it up. It’s a drawing of a heart with black scribbles all over it. It looks just like the picture of a heart that I drew a long time ago there’s writing on it also "this is fake" just like what I used to write on all my pictures of hearts. I crumple the picture and throw it into the trash bin, freaked out by this.
“I still love you” I hear those 4 words in a voice that sounds just like my moms. I’m shaking again. "Its okay baby, talk to the therapists and you'll feel better" I hear her say. I look around but I cannot see my mom "where are you" I ask. I hear her say "tell him the truth no mater what even if you cry and I'll be back later." "Mommy why" a little voice says. "Mom?" I say "Bye sweetie" she says. I'm really confused now. I don’t really know exactly what I just heard but it sounded just like what my mom used to tell me all the time before she dropped me off at the school for my meetings with the therapists. I back into the wall and suddenly the room is cold again. There’s knocking on the door and I go over and open it without thinking and I see the face of my old therapist again. I step back immediately and just stare at him his face is so vivid and just as I remembered him. "Sit" he says and I do without a second thought. He asks me why I was crying I'm confused at first then he hands me a tissue. I touch my face, apparently I was crying because my face was soaking wet. I thank him and he just looks at me. After a second I ask "What?" and he's furious. He picks me up by my arms and holds me against the wall. "Shut up" he shouts, then he's pressed against me and my whole body is in intense pain. The next thing I know, the whole room is disappearing including him but I still can’t move. I look down and see straps around my body and straps around my hands. I look up and there’s many doctors leaning over the bed where I lay.
I try to scream but make no sound at all. Suddenly I'm in the air looking down at myself lying motionless with the straps still around me. One of the doctors that’s there say’s “That’s it” I call out to them but they can’t hear me and they just turn their backs and leave. I see myself just laying there motionless and I look so gray. I’m dead. My body then starts transforming in an odd way. I’m staring down at my mom but she's not breathing. I'm back on the floor but this time I'm wearing clothes gloves and a face mask but I don’t know why. My mother lays there with my dad and my sister next to her on both sides. They’re crying with there heads down there also wearing the same gloves and stuff I'm wearing. I then remember we have to wear these so we don’t pick up any infections from mom. I think to myself “this can’t be happening again! She can’t die twice!” The doctors are there and they say that they are sorry just like they did on that day when she passed. But this time (unlike the last) I charge at the doctors I start throwing punches and I scream "You killed her!” Then I'm pushed onto the floor and they hold me down, a few of them with fresh bruises on their faces. The main doctor gets a needle and comes to me and sticks it into my arm "go visit her bitch, and say hi for me" he says sternly as he takes the needle back out of my arm after emptying the contents into me. I'm shaking again uncontrollably and everyone keeps asking in sarcastic voices "Why are you shaking baby girl?” I try to answer but I can’t breath. I struggle for a few more minutes but my body gives in and everything turns black. That’s when I jolt awake.
I'm back in my room…
It’s 2:30 in the morning.
~AngelCutter
Saturday, January 5, 2013
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